How do you break up something that was never really together? I'm not sure, but I've managed to do it. BTW I am two cocktails in so if I spell something wrong rest assured I really do know how to spell.
I realization hit me lately. Who am I kidding, I've known it for some time now but I just found the ovaries to admit it. He will NEVER be capable of being the man I want. And I've spent years trying to show him, years believing him, and to no avail.
So, its over. I've deleted just about any way to communicate to him and tonight as I was walking home and I realized I couldn't drunk dial him (yes, I've done it before), I broke down and cried in the middle of the street. It's really over.
And with God's blessing, or someone's help, I will begin again.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
If it doesn't fit, you must uh, quit.
Give it up to my man Johnny Cochran on that one. It's one of my favorite things to say. It applies to so many things! Lately I've been using it when referring to clothing on women that's waaay too tight. Like basic black, it goes with everything. And it applies to relationships, too.
One day I hope to learn that lesson. I've been avoiding this particular troll because I've been holding out hope that he would change, that he would come to his senses and realize that we belong together, or at a minimum realize that acting right is a good way to get some cobbler. But none of those things have happened, and I'm moving closer to letting go. Please God, tell me I'm moving closer to letting go...
We met 3 years ago now. I saw him online, and his smile just melted my heart. We exchanged emails back and forth and began chatting on IM before exchanging numbers. We have so much in common- politics, humor, etc. And I think he's handsome. I guess he finds me attractive as well, otherwise he wouldn't have responded to me in the first place.
We talked every day for hours. EVERY DAY! About lots of different things, but those days are gone now so I couldn't tell you everything. And yet, he wouldn't make a move to ask me out. Now, this blog would be 2 pages long if I recounted everything we've gone through. Or what he's put me through rather, because I know I am the only one suffering. But I can tell you a few things: Every time we made plans to go out (WHEN we made plans, you see, getting him to ask me out was nearly impossible) he would flake. It would always be something, all of it total bullshit. The other thing I would say is that: I always forgave it. I don't know why, nor do I know why I continue to do it. But here we are. Here's something else: I've said hello and goodbye many times in this period. I say I can't deal with it, please come back. You've hurt me, why won't you give me a chance. Push, pull. Start, stop. And lastly I will say: he will never change.
What prompted me to finally reveal my Achilles heel? Great question! Well he said to me a few weeks ago, I'm going to step up, stop fooling around, I'm really serious this time (I've heard this once or twice before btw). I said, 'if you don't like me or want me, that's ok! It happens all the time, not every relationship is meant to be'. That's not it, he says, he likes me, he wants me, he wants me in his life. Fine. 90% of me no longer believes anything he says because, well, we've been down this road before. So he's telling me he's dreaming of me, he can't wait to see me, blah, blah, barf. SO fast forward today when I text him to see how he's settling in to his new place back in the area (we've gone from talking every day to having full blown conversations via text. That in itself should be an indicator) and he says to me that he is NOT here, he got stuck on the road and is turning back (he's been in another state making another life for himself for the past 6 months due to a family member's passing). WHAT THE FUDGECICLES. Seriously? You're turning back. I just can't believe it. Not after everything.
Haven't I had enough?
It's looking that way. I've always known that I care more about him than he cares about me, I think about him more than he thinks about me; you get the idea. And somehow I've managed to convince myself that was ok. Or turn a blind eye. Because I think we belong together. How can 2 people who share so much and are attracted to one another NOT be together? It's not human nature to want to be alone. And yet, he would rather play these games and be alone. Why I'm not sure I'll ever know.
He's managed to set up shop for himself in said state, and will likely not come back at all. And I know there's part of me in a couple of weeks that will reach out to say 'hey, where are you', only to get the answer that something else has kept him there. He isn't coming back here for me, that I know. But once again, he led me to believe (because frankly, I wanted to be led) that when he returned we would try again. How does the phrase go, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or 3 or 4 times in this case), shame on me? Turns out, that's one cliche that is really true!
Looks like, much like the past 3 years, that glove doesn't fit like I thought it would.
One day I hope to learn that lesson. I've been avoiding this particular troll because I've been holding out hope that he would change, that he would come to his senses and realize that we belong together, or at a minimum realize that acting right is a good way to get some cobbler. But none of those things have happened, and I'm moving closer to letting go. Please God, tell me I'm moving closer to letting go...
We met 3 years ago now. I saw him online, and his smile just melted my heart. We exchanged emails back and forth and began chatting on IM before exchanging numbers. We have so much in common- politics, humor, etc. And I think he's handsome. I guess he finds me attractive as well, otherwise he wouldn't have responded to me in the first place.
We talked every day for hours. EVERY DAY! About lots of different things, but those days are gone now so I couldn't tell you everything. And yet, he wouldn't make a move to ask me out. Now, this blog would be 2 pages long if I recounted everything we've gone through. Or what he's put me through rather, because I know I am the only one suffering. But I can tell you a few things: Every time we made plans to go out (WHEN we made plans, you see, getting him to ask me out was nearly impossible) he would flake. It would always be something, all of it total bullshit. The other thing I would say is that: I always forgave it. I don't know why, nor do I know why I continue to do it. But here we are. Here's something else: I've said hello and goodbye many times in this period. I say I can't deal with it, please come back. You've hurt me, why won't you give me a chance. Push, pull. Start, stop. And lastly I will say: he will never change.
What prompted me to finally reveal my Achilles heel? Great question! Well he said to me a few weeks ago, I'm going to step up, stop fooling around, I'm really serious this time (I've heard this once or twice before btw). I said, 'if you don't like me or want me, that's ok! It happens all the time, not every relationship is meant to be'. That's not it, he says, he likes me, he wants me, he wants me in his life. Fine. 90% of me no longer believes anything he says because, well, we've been down this road before. So he's telling me he's dreaming of me, he can't wait to see me, blah, blah, barf. SO fast forward today when I text him to see how he's settling in to his new place back in the area (we've gone from talking every day to having full blown conversations via text. That in itself should be an indicator) and he says to me that he is NOT here, he got stuck on the road and is turning back (he's been in another state making another life for himself for the past 6 months due to a family member's passing). WHAT THE FUDGECICLES. Seriously? You're turning back. I just can't believe it. Not after everything.
Haven't I had enough?
It's looking that way. I've always known that I care more about him than he cares about me, I think about him more than he thinks about me; you get the idea. And somehow I've managed to convince myself that was ok. Or turn a blind eye. Because I think we belong together. How can 2 people who share so much and are attracted to one another NOT be together? It's not human nature to want to be alone. And yet, he would rather play these games and be alone. Why I'm not sure I'll ever know.
He's managed to set up shop for himself in said state, and will likely not come back at all. And I know there's part of me in a couple of weeks that will reach out to say 'hey, where are you', only to get the answer that something else has kept him there. He isn't coming back here for me, that I know. But once again, he led me to believe (because frankly, I wanted to be led) that when he returned we would try again. How does the phrase go, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or 3 or 4 times in this case), shame on me? Turns out, that's one cliche that is really true!
Looks like, much like the past 3 years, that glove doesn't fit like I thought it would.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Desparation, table for one
There is this woman on my bus (no, this isn't code word for me), and one day as I got on the bus she was standing up talking to the bus driver. Now, I've watched her behavior before; she sits close to the front, sometimes she chuckles as his jokes (which I know are NOT funny), her body language is facing forward to him. She finally got the courage to ask him to a BBQ that coming Saturday. From my vantage point, it reeked of desperation. Is it assertiveness, or desperation?
Friends, magazines- whoever- always tell me to be more aggressive when it comes to men. And I understand that (although its not me), but when does it cross that line? He clearly has no interest in her. He acts ambivalent towards everyone who comes on the bus, that is, until he sees a cute young thing he wants to the get the attention of and then its 'top of the morning to ya', as he watches them walk to their seat in the bus mirror. And his response to her invitation was no different.
I applaud her for making the move, after all, she can always hope he gets transferred to another bus or take another one if he rejects her. But I could see from a mile away his lack of interest. Do women get to a point where our realities are skewed because we seek attention? I can say without question that mine has. I know I've put up with more from men in an effort to keep trying. I think I've even come close to being that girl, only I get a pretty quick sense of when someone isn't interested, or when I am not interested myself.
Whether or not today's man can even appreciate the ovaries it takes for a woman to make a move like that is uncertain. And where that line falls is also a little blurry. All I know is that I haven't seen her on that bus for some time now. Someone get that girl a double shot, I think she may be getting up a little earlier these days.
Friends, magazines- whoever- always tell me to be more aggressive when it comes to men. And I understand that (although its not me), but when does it cross that line? He clearly has no interest in her. He acts ambivalent towards everyone who comes on the bus, that is, until he sees a cute young thing he wants to the get the attention of and then its 'top of the morning to ya', as he watches them walk to their seat in the bus mirror. And his response to her invitation was no different.
I applaud her for making the move, after all, she can always hope he gets transferred to another bus or take another one if he rejects her. But I could see from a mile away his lack of interest. Do women get to a point where our realities are skewed because we seek attention? I can say without question that mine has. I know I've put up with more from men in an effort to keep trying. I think I've even come close to being that girl, only I get a pretty quick sense of when someone isn't interested, or when I am not interested myself.
Whether or not today's man can even appreciate the ovaries it takes for a woman to make a move like that is uncertain. And where that line falls is also a little blurry. All I know is that I haven't seen her on that bus for some time now. Someone get that girl a double shot, I think she may be getting up a little earlier these days.
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