Midnight's missed kiss. An omen?

It's new years eve. You know what that means: resolutions, over-eating, over-drinking, hugging, celebrating and of course, that midnight kiss. Of course, I've yet to be dating someone on the turn of a new year, so inevitably I've missed that traditional kiss. Is that the curse on my love life, only to be broken by the kiss of someone you love?

2009 has sucked, big time. Here's a recap: lack of communication with my mother which lasted many months, I quit my job, only to take a another that I regretted taking two days after I started. The one man who I cared about (his blog is coming, its a two-parter for sure, not to be missed.) made a fool of me for what I hoped was the last time and I said goodbye, another man who swore he cared broke my heart, lousy (and infrequent) sex, new wrinkles, lost friendships, I could go on... needless to say I won't be sorry to say goodbye to 2009.

Now I hate to have charlie brown syndrome, but I can't seem to understand why I keep getting the shit kicked out me. I take absolute responsibility for just about everything that has gone wrong this year (and even the broken hearts I could take responsibility for to an extent). But I'm hoping this year the decisions I make will be the right ones- a few of them at least. I missed last year's kiss, and the year before that, and the year before that. Is there a pattern here?

I have a lot to be grateful for. In spite of my old lady foot acting up on occasion I have my health. I need to be better about it and that's a resolution I intend to keep. I made one smart move this year and that was quit a job that made me miserable. I haven't slept better in weeks than I have after that so I know that was a good thing. I have friends (although they seem to be fewer every year) who I can count on and whom I adore. I have my family which is far from perfect but they are the only one's I've got.

I read this morning on my horoscope that 2010 looks good. Ha! I dare you to defy the stars 2010! Perhaps there's a midnight kiss in my future to break the omen afterall? Only time (the clock stricking midnight to be precise) will tell.

The Blind Date a.k.a. the Spark

I had a blind date tonight. It was blind in the fact that I had no idea what he looked like. He, however, knew what I looked like. We'd communicated back and forth all last week, and since Friday have had phone conversations at least 2 hours long every night. And sometimes during the day too. On paper he was just about perfect: He made me laugh, he liked baby animals, he enjoyed The Little Mermaid and Little Shop of Horrors for peets sake (if you know me then you know all of these things are an easy way to impress me). One problem.

Physically, I am not attracted to him. Fuck.

I am the first to say looks aren't everything. As someone who I'm certain has been dissed and dismissed because I've got extra padding, believe me, I know. It's not a fun feeling. But it's not too much to ask to be attractive to someone... is it?

There are a lot of things that make someone attractive to me. And he has a lot of those qualities. But tonight I saw two of his downsides: A man is just that, a man. Its not about telling me what to do (damn that) but its about taking initiative. We spent 45 min (kid you not) trying to figure out what city to meet at. Finally we decided upon a place that was in between us. I get there, and he has no idea what's around there or where he wants to go. Ok. So I take out my phone (God bless technology) and imagine my surprise when the only thing that was around there was a TGI Fridays or a diner. If you want to take a minute to guess where he chose I'll let you mull it...

Yes, the diner. Not exactly first date (or any date) material. Oy.

But as unappealing as the diner was (I think my hair smells of burger), the bigger issue is that I don't see any attraction there. Don't mean to sound crass, but when I go out with someone I want to know at the end of the night I want nothing more than for him to put his lips to mine and lay one on me, and with any luck we'll be sharing more than a meal in the near future. Mentally I wanted to jump his bones, physically... not so much. And it's not that he's ugly because he's not.

But I just didn't feel a spark.

Fizz.......

The Memo

Ladies be warned. A phenomenon is happening with men of the 21st century, and the only thing that can explain it is that there are instructions, a memo if you will, with the way to be an asshole. I would like for you to read the email below:

Hey K****,
I've been thinking. You're a lot of fun and really cute, but I really didn't expect to get involved with anyone so quickly. I realized that I'm just not ready for this, and that you should find someone better. I've had a lot of fun with you and I'm sure we could have more fun, but experience tells me it's better to step out early than to wait and drag things out.
I wish you well,
DICKHEAD

I added his name in there. This email came not 3 days after they slept together. Sound familiar? If you follow my blog you know it happened to me with MMC. And if my intuition is anywhere close to accurate, its happened to you or someone you know. This is the part where we exclaim a collective WTF.

Is this the low men are sinking to these days to get some? Or is there something in this top secret memo that says, sleep with us and we'll be picking out china. Run while you can!!! This just in: Women want to get laid JUST as much as you do. Sure, when you spend a lot of time with someone (as K did in this situation and as I did in mine), sleeping with someone has some emotional connection for us. But we are NOT in love with you. Well, maybe some of us are. But that depends on where we're at in our relationship. But its not within the first couple of months of spending time together. Its not a one night stand either, we're hoping to shag you on a regular basis (if the sex is any good). But do you feel like the lowest piece of shit on earth for sleeping with a girl you've been dating and then ditch her right after?

Women are not opposed to one night stand or heavy petting with a stranger. But most of us want more than that. That's why we date. We date to find someone compatible with us emotionally, mentally and physically. We date for a means to an end (most of us anyway). So when we let you taste the honey pot, we want to pull you a little closer in every way. But not close enough to meet your parents. Not close enough for us to put a box of tampons under your sink. And not close enough for you to shit your pants thinking that we've sunk our talons into you and aren't letting go!

Do us a favor men. Be men. Take us out, show us a good time and put it on us like you should. And if all that continues going well, don't fight it and for peets sake don't panic. Its really unbecoming.

Someone, please make sure this gets in to the memo.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Every now and then (like, every day) I am reminded that I am 35. The lines in my face, the aching bones. Suddenly I've landed in my mid-thirties. Halfway to retirement! Able to run for president! These are significant milestones. In spite of these milestones, I can accept it with some level of grace. But one thing continues to elude me, and I'm not sure if I will ever find it.

Love.

I see so many people I know younger than me, happy, with families, living a beautiful dream. I will admit it to the world, I am jealous. Not in a, i-hate-you-and-wish-you-ill kind of way, but in a how-has-this-managed-to-elude-me-all-this-time kind of way. I was never the one to dream of being married growing up. Well, sometimes I would have visions of designing the perfectly coordinated event, but I wasn't thinking about me being in the white dress. Perhaps that is where I missed the mark? I wouldn't give up focusing on school and my career for anything in the world. And its not like anyone was knocking down my door at that time and I turned them away. But now here I am, damn near middle age, and I am unmarried with zero prospects, no children.

I am alone.

What does it take to find Mr. Right these days? I know because I am of the 'fluffy' variety most men don't want me. Everyone has preferences. Just like I don't want to date self-centered pricks, uneducated men, dead beats or cheaters, some men don't want to date fat girls. I can live with that. And while this blog is highly entertaining (for me at least), I am puzzled by my inability to meet a man who can appreciate who I am and what I have to give. Maybe my window of opportunity has passed me by; perhaps there simply are no decent men left.

Can this be true?

I don't want to miss out on the chance to love, to fight, to make up, to make babies, to feel butterflies- to be happy in love with someone who loves me. But for the life of me I can't figure out what the secret to this success is.

Have you?

Troll #10 Cookies

For some reason this blast from many years came to me one day recently. One could say, he was the first troll! Historical evidence that my dating life has sucked for over a decade.

Many years ago before I went to college I worked at Wells Fargo, telling people that their credit stunk and being screamed at by every Tom, Dick, and Mary. Blah blah blah, your credit stinks, the reports don't lie, get over it. Anyhoo there were other agencies, banks, offices etc. that I interacted with on a daily. And me being me (i.e. charming as always) had a friendly relationship with one dude in particular. We interacted over the phone just about every day for business purposes, but at some point we had a witty banter/flirty relationship thing going on. It was fun, I didn't think much of it. Then one day he asked me out. Now before I go on I must say I have only been on a blind date twice in my life. This was one of them.

I remember it clearly: it was a cold night, December I believe, and I was dressed in a plaid skirt, a cream sweater, cream knee high socks and brown flat (think Rachel from Glee only in my defense, this was the early 90's). Cute, innocent, totally me. He pulls up in a mustang (those were big in the day) and if memory serves I think he was kinda cute. But unfortunately he was a total asshole.

I get into his car and he says 'hey, I brought you a cookie'. You know those cookies you get from 7-11 at the counter, that are wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah, that's the one. How sweet (barf). So we drive off and he gets a page on his beeper (90's, remember?) and we pull up to a pay phone, not 3 blocks from my house. He's on the phone for a minute and comes back to the car. 'I have to help my friend move a mattress'. Now, before I go on I should clarify its 8p at night. 'Excuse me?' I say. 'Yeah, my friend has to move a mattress out of his house. Let's stop by there and then we can go out'. Uh, no. Sometimes dates end up on or near a mattress, but this wasn't what I had in mind. 'How about not and you drop me home. Let's do it another time', I say. 'Are you sure? It won't take long'. I thought, are you fucking nuts? Either you're are oblivious or you and your friends are going to rape me, kill me, and stuff me in said mattress. No thanks. 10 minutes later I was back at my house.

I was sad, I won't lie. Back then I had low self esteem and thought that his mattress excuse was because he didn't like me. So I called my girlfriend and she came over. After a pep talk we decided to exact revenge the best way how. That 7-11 cookie? We ran over it 5 times with my car. Smashed it to smithereens! I felt so much better. And every time I date a troll I think, I wish I could run over your cookies.

And then I smile:-)

And just like that...

He's gone. My potential Mr. Right has fallen off the earth. Either he's dead (heaven forbid), someone he knows has died (again, not cool) or he has decided he doesn't want to date me and doesn't feel like sharing this information with me. He doesn't get a troll label, he didn't fall under that category. He simply gets a fond farewell, and I get to be available again.

Poof!

He's Great But...

No real news with the new boy in my life. He had strep (thankfully he didn't get me sick on our date!) so I haven't seen him since we first met. But we've talked. And for me, something is missing. I really, really hate forced conversations. To me a sign of a connection is when you don't have to think about what to talk about, where the conversation goes, all the traditional questions in a particular order, you get the idea. But if I am being honest with myself, he's kind of boring.

I was telling a friend of mine that I thought he was kind of conservative. Which is true. I am definitely the more outgoing, chatty kathy of the two. But when we talk, there's a lot of crickets in the air (i.e. dead silence). We're SO far away from the listening to each other breathe phase (I think that only exists in movies anyway), so its seems as if we don't have much to say. He'll call me and we'll talk for maybe 5 min. And that 5 min is a painful one because its me doing the prodding. On our date we had a nice time, we had some video game action so we had something to focus on other than each other. So it was easy. And during dinner we talked more freely. No dead spaces. Perhaps phone is not his thing? Confidentially, I think it goes a little farther than that? He bores me.

I know that sounds fucked up, but more times than not I find myself not connecting with him. Its not because he doesn't have extra curricular activites that he enjoys, or that he doesn't have knowledge about the world around him. But one thing I will give MMC (see earlier), and the only thing I will give him, is that our conversations were easy, natural. And it would range from the mundane (creating scenarios in which my cat is texting him about his kitty entourage), to politics, to relationships to each other. There was no script, it just...happened. What am I missing here? And more importantly, is it something I can do without?

Troll #9 Twice

Our last 'president' tried to say this phrase once, but for the intelligent people of the world I will say it how its supposed to be said: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Of course, I thought that only happened to fools. Until I became one of them.

I met this troll about a year after I moved here. After settling into being in the area and moving to my own place, I decided I would stop being a homebody, take a chance and try my hand at online dating. And there he was. Tall, dark and handsome. Something about him took my breath away. So I reached out and to my surprise, he reached back. You know the story blah blah, we got to talking.

His voice was like velvet in my ears. I loved hearing him talk, his voice was so damn sexy! And I remember one night I had a dream of a man and woman in white, and it was us. Odd, because at that time marriage was not something I was entertaining with him or anyone. But there it was. We made plans to meet up, some place in Alexandria that was a non-chain. I appreciated that he made a choice, he was a take-charge kind of guy. The night approached, I looked delicious (as always) and I arrived a few min early and waited. And waited. And waited. A thousand things ran through my mind as I came to the realization that I was being stood up. He was in the back laughing with his friends. He walked in, took one look at me and bailed. Self esteem wasn't in high order back then. But what if he got into an accident? I just didn't know. I called several times, nothing. So after sitting there for a humiliating 1/2 hour, I bailed. And didn't hear from him again. Until a month later.

In fact, when he popped up via IM (why is that the preferred method of communication for trolls?), I had just come full circle of emotions from being blown off. What the fuck does this asshole want? Believer it or not, not to apologize. He had a gig he said, and couldn't make it. Bullshit. And I feel so confident he was whisked away, Jack Bauer style, forced to play in a band, without having access to a cell, a pay phone, a courier pidgeon- something- to say he wasn't coming. I had to push and push for him to admit he was wrong, and after all that the apology meant nothing. I hate to admit it, but we started talking again at some point. But something told me to be a little more cautious the second time around. And sure enough he didn't show. But thankfully, I knew he wouldn't show and made plans with someone else. No harm done. And after that we didn't talk.

But dating online is a lot like shopping at old navy. Eventually you are going to see your shirt on someone else. And I stumbled across his profile a year later. And he was just too fine to resist. And wouldn't you know it, we finally went out. We had a nice time, he was gentlemanly, attentive, all the things a man should be on a date. I'll be nice and not remark on his piece of shit car that he picked me up in, or his party shirt he was wearing, because despite that we had a nice time. And a nice first kiss that felt right, natural. We made plans for the following Friday for him to make me dinner. The day came and I called him to find out what the plan was and he mentions that he was going out with some friends for drinks. I was like, ok, so do you want to reschedule? And he kirked out. And then he fucking hung up on me. What the fudgesicle? What did I do wrong? You change plans mid-stream, and I am in the wrong? That, my friends, was strike 3.

He still peeks in at my profile, every few months or so. Regret? Possibly. Who can say. But rest assure that is one troll, that I will not EVER give another chance.

Cinderella Lost her Shoe

Funny story. I had a date on Sunday (don't tell anyone, but I think he might be a keeper!) and after choosing several outfits and selecting a panel to help me choose the best choice for our date (video games and dinner), I was all set. I chose to wear with my outfit my favorite pair of red shoes. Those of you who know me know I have a thing for red, and it just so happens I have about 6 pairs of red shoes. Different outfits require different types of red- get off my back! At any rate, these shoes are so precious. They are a deep red, pointy toe flat with a bow for a back. Too cute! Bad idea.

I suppose if there was a time to break ones shoe it would be in the mall so that it could be easily replaced but that's not really the point. As I took the last few steps to the bench to wait for my date, I felt something a little, loosey goosey. I looked and and sure enough, the ribbon was no longer attached to my shoe, leaving it to flap in the air. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was so devastated. I went from being cool, calm and collected to breaking into a sweaty panic. No money (or room) for shoes, but trying to keep that shoe on for 4 hours was NOT an option. Thankfully my date was a little late so I had time to hunt for a shoe that matched, was cheap, and useful in the future.

And like always, Nine West came to my rescue, I found a shoe under $40, and I had one of the most awesome date's I've had in a long time. Cinderella is back in the ball, looking fresher than ever!

To Concede or not to Concede, that is my question.

A friend told me once that I give up too quickly in relationships, that the first sign of trouble and I am ready to bail. I didn't agree with her at the time, because as you may notice in some of these entries, I've stayed WAY longer than I should have. But it was this voice I was hearing when I was talking to my new interest last night.

We haven't met yet. We've talked for the past couple of weeks and I like him. He's smart, driven, values family, articulate, handsome, etc. I appreciate all of his qualities, and I am looking forward to knowing more about him. Yesterday he revealed to me that he was just accepted into an MBA program starting in Jan 2010. Great news! But knowing how much school is a priority for him, not to mention work, his children, etc etc, I felt like I might be in the way of him achieving his goals. So I said, 'if this isn't the best time for you to bring someone new into your life I understand'. Apparently that was a no no.

So began a string of texts about what kind of man I want, women say one thing, but want another, blah blah. I didn't read them because I had a friend over and I was entertaining. After she left I called. He went on for a good 20 minutes about how people say this to him all the time, he doesn't understand yadda yadda yadda. I explained to him that I was trying to think of him and not of me (which is true) and that, not knowing that he's heard that 1000 times before I didn't realize what a nerve I touched. Now, whether or not you think what I said was shit, I think we can agree that it was a simple statement that didn't warrant 20 min of discussion. And I felt myself getting hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Boiling on the inside! I don't appreciate lectures. From anyone. And the normal me wanted to tell him to buzz off with his attitude. But I stopped. I stopped not only because I was hearing my friend's voice in the back of my mind, but because I decided not to let him make this a big deal and risk losing someone that may be a good fit. So, I apologized for something that I wasn't sure I did. Not something I would normally do, especially since by that point I was so very pissed. And talking through it, I realized that my statement to him really stirred something, some of which he revealed, some of which is part I-am-man-I-can-do-anything-and-how-would-you-suggest-otherwise. And for men and their egos, recognizing that is part of the dance that we do.

I think he realized that he had taken that out of context as well and we came out on the other end both waving our flags and still very much interested in each other. I don't like losing, and don't plan on doing it again (dammit!) but in this case, I think I will very much be a winner.

Troll #8 Spare Change?

I'd like to say I don't think ill of people, but one could argue that this blog is just that. But its simply not true dear reader! But this entry might dispell that myth just a bit.

Every now and then you encounter people that are just plain losers. There, I've said it. And this guy was one of them. And I owe it to a friend of mine who reminded me of this troll, he was that unforgettable. At any rate, I met him in March of last '08 and on paper he seemed to be a a mr. potential. He worked for a newspaper and could carry a conversation. Then a few weeks after we met, he got laid off. In retrospect I bet he was fired but that's neither here nor there. Losing their job happens to a lot of people, so I wasn't passing judgment on him for that. In fact, my interest in dating him had waned, my interests had shifted elsewhere.

The one thing we could never agree on was the election. He was a fan of Hilary, I wasn't. No big deal. But being the asshole that he was, he spent every email he sent to me spewing lies about Obama and trying to make points that didn't exist. Why he was so hell bent on proving his point to me I couldn't guess, I honestly didn't give a shit. But his pushy attitude it proved his lack of character to say the least. He went from having a job and a place to being unemployed and homeless pretty quickly. Very suspicious if you ask me, but whatever. He would give me his sob story on a daily basis; he's living in a drug house, his neighbor him up, he didn''t have a car, he stole my stuff, blah blah blah. He was like the male debbie downer, only none of it was making sense. And all of it was irritating.

Now I know I don't need to remind you, but I have not known this prick for very long. We met once for coffee which surprisingly he did buy, but that was it. We emailed a few times a week, he would sound off on his republican-like racist talking points, and I would say uh huh because I was bored of it. So would you be surprised to know that he asked to borrow money from me?? Oh yes, I wish I was lying but I'm not. He called me one day, stuck in DC and unable to get back to his borrowed couch in Greenbelt. 'Can I borrow $3 to get home?' he says. 'I can be there in a few minutes'. So he was wandering around downtown trying to figure out who he could use this time, because obviously he had to have burned his bridge with everyone to ask a virtual stranger for money. Oy. It just so happened that I had a $5 and gave it to him, never to see him again.

I'd like to say I hadn't heard from him after that point, but that was not the case. Our last email exchange was so precious, but unfortunately I deleted it. But essentially after going on and on again about Obama (I think this was after a big primary win, or something along those lines), I told him I thought he was a pushy person and his negativity not the kind of energy that I wanted in my life. He then proceeded to tell me it was no wonder I was single- this coming from a homeless, pathetic, unemployed douche bag with no drive whatsoever. Of course I was dating someone at the time, but why kick a dog when he's down?

I'm sure he thought he left on a high note, but unfortunately he wouldn't have been able to afford one.

Troll #7 Big Spender

For a brief period of my life I was a part of Match.com. A few friends had some success so I thought I would give it a try. Needless to say it didn't last long. But during my brief encounter I met some troll in VA. Like most trolls, his preferred method of communication was text. I should have known then. Unfortunately my phone was stolen overseas so there's no way to give you a play by play (its so much better this way). To sum it up he asked me if I would be interested in meeting him at panera for coffee and then, if I felt comfortable, go to his place for a glass of wine. Now what girl in her right mind would go to a man's house that she doesn't know for a first date glass of wine? Why not just buy the rohipnol yourself and save the gas? So anyhoo I said sure, meeting for coffee is fine. Notice how I didn't say yes to the wine. This is what we in the writing world call foreshadowing.

So I get to Panera (I had to haul my cookies to Alexandria, strike 2) and I am looking for him everywhere. Now mind you, he's sitting in the corner come to find out, but never at any point-despite having seen me- did he get up to greet me. Perfect. So I sit down, and we begin a dull conversation in which I was being entertained by my own wit. Not at any point did he offer to buy me a cup of coffee, let alone get me a cup of tap water. Getting better by the minute! So after an hour of me trying to pry anything meaningful out of him, I get to a point where I'm thinking, time to put me out of my misery. Thankfully he says, 'I'm going to get going I have some studying to do. I want to invite you to my house for a glass of wine (FYI its 3pm) if you're comfortable'. So I say thanks, but I don't feel comfortable, maybe another time. So we walk out together, we hug briefly and I fondle for my keys and head to the one place that makes me feel like I've accomplished something- Old Navy. Wouldn't you know it, they were having an outerwear sale! Hot pink wool coat for $40 bucks? No brainer.

As I was driving back into the district, pondering my retail conquest I hear my text message jingle go off. I look- 'you should have said you weren't interested if you didn't want to come over'. Cartoon shake of head. What? I reply with a ? and so begins a texting war between me and nut job over why I didn't make it clear that I was not interested in going over his house for a glass of wine. Lets see, was it the winning conversation that won me over? Nooo. How about the 3 bucks he spent on coffee? Oh right, he didn't. Maybe he swept his floor, and he was pissed that he went through all that effort. I felt the need to tell him I think he should seek professional help for his delusional paranoia, which of course didn't help. Telling him to go fuck himself and threatening to call the po po however seemed to do the trick.

There is a moral to this story. Before you give out your number to a troll, make sure you check with your cell phone provider that they can block the number in case they turn out to be serial killers in training.

It's a New Day

I'm sure its written somewhere that eventually, everyone shows their ass. It was definitely true with MMC. For weeks now, MMC has been popping in and out via IM with various small talk bull shit and little innuendos. And for weeks I have been asking him what he wants from me, because prior to his silly IM communications he told me things were moving too fast and he wanted to be friends. So, for your consideration, here is the last of the communications between he & I (some of the convo isn't here-including him trying to see if he could see me in my costume-, but this is where it began to fall apart. IM names have been removed so that he won't get wind of this blog and want a piece of any future profits):

ME-you know ive asked you this a few times now, and you seem to keep avoiding the answer. what is it that you want from me? you pop in every few weeks and then disappear again. i dont get it.
HIM-well i had u on my mind, so decided to stop by and say hi. hope u have a great time tomorrow, be safe.....
ME-again with the non answer
ME- thats fine. im not going to be your internet buddy Mark. you keep popping in and out, you tell me these things which are just words. you can't answer me anything. and i dont know what any of this means. its hurtful to me that you keep playing games. i don't deserve it. when you know what you want and you know how to express it feel free to reach out. i know you won't respond as you usually do and that's fine. i can't force you to be honest with me.

So he waited until the next evening (yesterday) to reply with this (in bold, menacing font):
HIM- I receive your message, it was loud and clear. I sorry u feel that way. being friends is a big part of a relationship and if something serious would have come out of this, it is clear to me that u would only have your heart in it when the times are good. real relationships are two fold; part friendship and part lovers. I am disappointed in what i am finding in you, but all the same i wish you well. BYE!
ME- give me break mark. you're blaming me for this shit? you said you wanted to be friends and friends only. be a man. you didnt want a relationship, you made that clear. so don't pretend you wanted more because you sure have a funny way of showing it.

Perhaps I'm wrong. I would like to remind you, dear reader, that at no point did he ever say to me 'I want to try again', or 'I'm sorry for what I said/did', or 'Can we try again'. What the fuck am I supposed to take from these bullshit 'conversations'? They aren't conversations, this is not how one conducts a relationship. Damn near 38 years old, and he acts like any other man when they feel they are being rejected- like a total prick. He showed his ass for sure, because I knew when he broke up with me that he wasn't a man. A man does not walk away easily without making any effort. I knew it again when he continued to pop up via the internet with silly small talk, unable to articulate what it was he wanted and how he was going to take the steps to make that happened. And I knew he wasn't a man when he turned into a bitch hell bent on justifying his behavior, without ever defining it.

I was pissed, but only briefly. Actually, I feel liberated. There was a part of me that had hoped he would get it together, apologize, and get back on the road to a healthy relationship. But that was not so much out of wanting him, but rather not wanting to be alone. I have decided that I am no longer going to settle for less than amazing. I put up with his small talk convos far too long, and in turn I ended up holding out for something that was doomed from the start. I want to be happy in a healthy, loving relationship. And that takes time.

And I've decided I'm worth it.

A Hard Habit to Break

Why are things that are so bad for you make you feel so good? I was thinking about that this morning when I woke up. Ever since MMC and I parted ways, I've encountered some of the most ignorant, dull, one- dimensional men I've made in a long time. Or maybe they just seemed that way in comparison to him. Nothing is the same. I haven't connected to anyone like I connected to him, I haven't laughed or smiled like I did with him. As Seanad (sp?) once said, nothing compares to you (or him, as it were).

Frankly, it pisses me off. It's not fair. It's not fair because for some reason he wants to continue to go through life not sure what he wants but he keeps trying to pull me into his flip-flopping bullshit. When we last spoke he was man enough to tell me that he loved me via IM and then disappeared into the night. Fast forward two days later and he pops up again (via IM) asking me some stupid shit about ebay. Then he asked me what the best remedy for him because he doesn't feel well. The crown jewel of this 'converstion'? He asked me if I would make him something to help him feel better. 'From the kitchen of the best chef in MD' he says. I said the best chef in MD isn't making you shit because I don't know what we're doing. I told him that I'm not being friends with him and that he needs to figure out what he wants. Silence. So I was like 'peace' and two seconds later my phone rings. Nothing meaningful, just wanted to talk more ebay shit. Then he said, can I call you back' and yet again- like he did before we broke up- he went incognegro.

Why does he insist on fucking with me like that? What is the point of it? I deserve so much more, and I've decided I am no longer going to have a conversation with him via IM. I miss him, miss him very much. But I am not going to settle for bullshit any more, I've done it all my life when it comes to men.

Any advice from here on out he is going to be billed for, and until he can learn to have an adult conversation about his feelings and what he wants from me I am cutting it off....

Why is that so much easier said than done?

Trol #6 22's

My mother implored me to join E-Harmony. I was against it because they have shitty values when it comes to same sex couples which is just plain whack. I have to wonder if their 29 dimensions were tested on people of color too but I'll stay off my political soap box for the time being. Needless to say I joined, moms know best as they say so why not?

I found that most people on the site either didn't pay or didn't have a photo, so easily 1/2 my matches were a no go. With a few candidates I made it to the 'communication' stage but by that point they lost interest before finding out anything more and never communicated. But one guy caught my eye so I initiated communication. In hindsight I recognize that he was so not my type, but I can't resist a guy in glasses. Plus he had some interesting things to say in his profile so I thought I would take a chance. He was very responsive which was a good sign, and within a week we made it to the open communication stage. We traded some emails back and forth (doesn't this story sound familiar?) and eventually exchanged numbers.

We talked a couple of times a day. But I quickly began to realize it was because he found HIMSELF so interesting. I'm a pretty simple girl. I don't like a lot of flash, I don't go gaga over labels (although some designers couture and non couture alike have incredible style), its just not me. He was my polar opposite (I suppose his flashy bama-esque Ed Hardy shirt he was wearing in his profile pic should have been a sign but those things are normally correctable). In our first conversation he told me about his $157 dollar pair of jeans. Really? Weird. He was also really, really, REALLY enamored by his truck. I believe it was our second or 3rd conversation that was primarily about his truck. His 22 inch rims, blah blah barf. Now, it was a good thing he didn't know me because he would have recognized my line of questioning right away to be total sarcasm. Are men really in love with their equipment like that? I mean their tangible equipment. I was so turned off/grossed out by that. Strike number 3 was when he was going on and on about watching BET and a 'yo mama' contest where I white boy from southern MD was 'straight given it to em son!'. Ver batim.

Thankfully I recognized this connection for what it was before we went out- a missed one. By a good 22 inches at least.

Troll #5 Shorts

Ok this is going to be a short one. For some reason this douche bag came into my mind the other day. Maybe it was something I saw on metro. At any rate, I met this dude sometime in the past year- I can't keep up with these winners anymore- online. We talked for a bit, I thought he was funny. Physically I wasn't gaga over him but for some people that can evolve.

It was a Saturday night and I had just gotten home from hanging with friends. So he asked me out. Cool. It was a lovely summer evening and I didn't want to be home anyway. I got dressed. Its a first date so I'm aiming to impress but not trying to be too flashy (that usually comes around the 3rd date when I want to make it clear that I am definitely interested). 'I'm outside', he calls from his cell phone. I go outside and in true gentleman fashion he doesn't get out of his car to meet me. Fine. I get in and we drive off.

I took him to one of my favorite spots but it was closed, so then he suggested Fridays. Ugh. As a general rule if a man suggests any of the following for a date in advance I will never talk to them again: Olive Garden (incidentally, that used to be the old name for today's winners before troll came to be), Applebees, Ruby Tuesdays, Friday's- you get the idea. Not ok. But since we were already on the way I didn't resist.

Anyhoo, we get to Fridays and we park and he gets out. Now, I didn't notice any of his ensemble while we were in the car, I felt weird to size him up in plain view because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Drum roll please.... He's wearing shorts. Stone wash, draw string shorts, too- tight- in- some- places- too- big- in- others- shorts. He's also wearing sunglasses. Its 10:30p. And while the shorts were wretched enough, he was wearing a Bugs Bunny t-shirt with it. And before you ask, I did not go out with a 12 year old. That's what he was wearing. A 40 something year old man. I don't believe most men should wear shorts to begin with (or many women for that matter). But stone wash? Draw string? Crotch huggers? It was too much. Nevermind that one of the stories he told me was how he and his buddies used to steal from his work truck (he delivered beer for a living) and sold it under the table to liquor stores. He made quite a profit that way and was proud of it.

Strike 3 (one being the shorts and two being the t-shirt) and you're out.

The Perv Universe

Who knew that you could get concert tickets, a standing mirror, car parts and a date all in one place? Damn you Craigslist for being so ingenious! Only one problem. 99% of the people on there are depraved, deprived and deplorable. How did the world of online communication become so, well, disgusting?

Now I want to say that I've met 3 people from craiglist in my life. One was a very dear friend who I lost to a car accident earlier this year (I miss you Al), another was decent but you'll hear more about him later. The other, well, he gets his own post. But because its free and can be totally anonymous, every degenerate within a 50 mile radius is on there. Here's a few samples:

CAN U JUMP INTO A REALTIONSHIP HIT ME

Are you really nice but a little naughty? - 35

420 and a clit licking? Interested in fun evening?

Who Wants A Big Load??

I think you can guess what that last one was about. Because its Sunday I decided not to share the content of these ads, but if you're interested I'm sure you could find it or one just like it. And I wish I could say this was the worst of it but I'd be lying. I've posted on craiglist a few times and I look for shits and giggles because frankly its free. But when I've posted I've always gotten some asshole to share his little pecker picture with me and I am not amused. Or some creep asking me if I like sensual massages and my toes sucked. WTF? How did Craigslist become so rotten? If you remember not that long ago some asshole killed a woman he solicited on craigslist. This is serious shit.

What I find so interesting/unsettling is that these people could be my neighbor or co-worker, they could be teaching children. The Internet has become a fantasy world, a place where everyone can lay their depravity on the line with the hopes that someone shares their same fantasy and will reach out and make that connection.

I troll through Craigslist from time to time for funzies but I honestly don't believe Mr right (or even right now) is on there. But the brutal truth is that paying for an online dating service does not guarantee I won't run into any depraved characters (see future post, 'Wine & Don't Dine', coming soon). So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My friend Al was one of the kindest, sweetest men I've ever met. Supportive, smart, funny and gave a lot to his country. So its possible to find. Just be sure you have your glasses out, you're going to need to find that needle in this deplorable haystack.

Troll #4 Suckable Lips

After things ended initially with MMC, I thought the best thing for me to do was jump back in the game. I had a funny feeling after 3 days of no returned calls that something was awry, so I started looking at messages I had yet to respond to on my online profile. I know in retrospect I was not ready to move forward, but I was hurt and pissed which is not a good combination. At any rate, one particular profile caught my eye. He was handsome, interested in an LTR and had a nice sense of style which is always a bonus. So we started corresponding and eventually exchanged numbers. Here we go again.

He talked A LOT. I mean, A LOT. For those of you who know me know that I am a talker. But had the kind of mouth that you could get in the shower, wash your hair, make a sandwich and come back and he would still be in the midst of a story. He wasn't really interested in asking questions about me because I guess he felt he was more interesting, but I managed to get in a few words edgewise. So he asks me out, on his birthday no less (alleged birthday). I agree and we choose a time and location (close to my house=easy escape route).

It's a Tuesday night, but I always dress to impress so I had on one of my favorite dresses, cute but nothing revealing. I'm waiting at said location for him to come. As I am waiting, I see this dude walk by and I laughed to myself. 'Damn he's ashy' I thought. 'And he has a peanut head'. Tee hee, I'm pretty funny. So after waiting even more I call him. 'Where are you' I asked. 'I'm inside where are you'? Oh shit, peanut head. I began looking around as if I'm trying to find him, even though I could see him coming out of the door of the restaurant. OMG.

He was SO not what he looked like on his profile. And looks aren't everything but damn. During the date he kept alternating his glances from one boob to the other, kinda like a tennis match. We ordered a drink, some fru fru girly drink. He could barely drink it. How embarassing. So time moves on, blah blah blah. So finally the check comes. He gets up to avoid the check! 'I have to go the bathroom' he says. Wouldn't you do that after we get up to leave? What a fucking deadbeat. But in the end, the $16 bucks for the bill was more than payment enough to end this evening. He of course isn't surprised that the bill is settled. Seriously? Ok so he walks me to my car, and it just so happens he ended up parking in front of me. How lucky could I get. So at the end he gets really close and says, 'I want you to thank your mom. And your dad for me. Because you the most beautiful, supple, suckable lips. I couldn't help staring because ahh, they are just so beautiful! And I was trying to check them out through my glasses I figured you wouldn't be able to tell I was looking but I couldn't help it! Man they are just, ahh!'. No joke. Lips or boobs? I'm sure he was thinking both. Did he think that was going to be my cue to give him a kiss? You've got to be kidding me. I told him thanks and that I would let my mom know. 'Nah I was just playing, don't tell her'. Uh huh. We hugged and I said goodnight (aka have a nice life and don't call me again) and we parted ways. When I got home I called my mom. I'm not sure if she's stopped laughing yet, we enjoyed that one together.

Troll #3 Lets be Friends

Ok let me start off by saying that this guy isn't a troll. Truth is he is a career driven, smart, funny, caring man who I cared about very much. Someone who I was on my way to loving, and may have loved and didn't know it. It just so happens that he broke my heart, so he deserves a special piece, dedicated just to him.

______________

As you know by now I'm currently on the online dating circuit. I have been using this way to meet boys for a while now, off and on. I go on, I meet a bunch of shitty turds, I get bored, I delete my account, I get bored again (aka horny/lonely), I join again and the cycle repeats itself. Its a vicious cycle but there it is. And besides, if it wasn't for this experience I wouldn't have these horror stories to relay and you, dear reader, might be deprived of a good laugh. So it was through this method that I met, MMC. I'm protecting his name because in the event that this blog becomes a book some day I don't want him to get one red fucking cent. So at any rate we did the usual intro, he 'looked' at me and in response I 'looked' at him. So he reached out and emailed me. Immediately I noticed something different about him- he had conversation skills! Now I recognize that some people do not consider email a conversation but this is how some people communicate exclusively in the 21st century so get used to it. We traded about 10 or so emails back and forth before he asked me for my number, and from there we talked every day.

There was something so refreshing about him, and yet I was very guarded. I've yet to name all the trolls/men who have shit on me in this blog, but there have been many. In fact I can say in my entire dating career (half my life) I have yet to find someone who treats me like I should be treated. Until MMC. We had such easy conversations, nothing forced (what do you do, what do you do, blah blah barf) and it felt good. It felt good to have an adult conversation about everything from Obama to my cat, ice cream to the miracles of child birth. After a couple of weeks of conversing we decided to meet and, as I anticipated, it was... right. I was far from picking out china but I definitely thought we had a good connection. And he did too. In fact it was he who would say, girlfriend this, my girlfriend that, lets go away together yadda yadda. He even told his family about me. So after about a month and 1/2 I finally decided to go with it and change my facebook status to 'in a relationship'. Such a big step in my life! I got a lot of inquires and congratulations, and I felt good about where we were, the beginning of what could be a meaningful relationship.

So I decided that I was ready to give up the goods. My views of sex are both progressive and a little traditional: I have no problems with a one night stand (and have had a few myself) and I recognize that women are sexual beings and have needs just like men and can feel free to express themselves. But I also believe when you are with someone you care about, truly care about, you surrender something of yourself that perhaps you wouldn't have with regular joe. A piece of your heart, a new and different angle of your body, something changes. And it changed for me that night. The sex wasn't great, but first time with a new partner never is (except for Mr. P). But clearly something changed for him.... he disappeared. No call the next day, and in fact no call for a week and 1/2. Huh? Would someone truly work 2 months with line after line of bullshit to get some punani? Its easier to get a prostitute. Hell these days you can connect with someone in a bar pretty easily and it might only cost you a whiskey sour. What happened? I couldn't understand but I was devastated. Here I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and just when I thought it wouldn't it did. He never returned calls, texts, emails. So finally after spending a day in bed crying and wondering what was so wrong with me that he would do that, I gave up. I wrote him an email saying best of luck, thanks for fucking me and dumping me without a word, have a nice life. Wouldn't you know it, he called two days later. With no explanation of his behavior or his absence, but he could only say he thought things were moving too fast (of course he started off this convo by saying he couldn't wait until we went to the beach) and he wanted to continue our 'friendship'. So, we're friends now? I said, no offense, but I don't fuck my friends. And when I asked him was he scared things were moving too fast before or after we had sex. Before. And yet, I inquired, you still fucked me. Good stuff. So I told him the next time he wants to go dutch treat on a cup of coffee and he's in my neighborhood give me a call (insert MAJOR sarcasm here). And that was it. Or so I thought.

What prompted this entry at this time was the fact that just last week he popped back into my life via instant messenger. He's done it twice since we broke up, just silly chit chat. But this time he tells me (remember kids, we're doing this via instant messenger) that his life is empty without me and that he still loves me and not as a friend. VIA INSTANT MESSENGER. What in hells bells. I didn't know what to say. I said, 'this is the first time I'm hearing this' to which he replies 'and it won't be the last'. And then says I have to go run some errands and poof! Once again, he's gone. This is where he earns troll points. Why do you insist upon playing with my emotions? I am a good person, I can be a jerk sometimes but only to people who deserve it (sprint, comcast, you get the idea). I have a good heart and yet he wants to jerk me around. I knew that 'continue our friendship' bullshit was just that, bullshit. But what it really was I don't know. And if it was that he knew he loved me and he didn't know how to deal, fucking deal with it! At 37 you should be capable of acknowledging your feelings and working through them. I finally emailed him and asked him what his deal was. I am confused and I miss him but right now all he is saying is words and it doesn't mean a thing until you back it up with actions and start by picking up phone. Nothing.

I'm done.

Such a Pretty Face

There are lots of words for women like me: full-figured, big & beautiful, zaftig, big boned, etc. I prefer fabulous, but for some reason that isn't an option when editing your online profile. But yes, in addition to being fabulous I am a plus sized girl (there's another one!). Its an interesting experience, dating as a plus size girl. I mean, lets face it, lap band commercials tell us we shouldn't even be leaving the house! This just in: we're not sitting around stuffing our faces full of bon bons in our house coats. We're just like everyone else, with a little more to love. But I digress. When men (and even women) give me a compliment, I always here the same thing when I get a compliment: 'you have such a pretty face'. I guess I can assume that the rest of me is hideous. I guess this means I should be shopping for a new bell tower to reside.

What I find so interesting about this comment- not that I don't appreciate it- is that there is so much more to me and MANY women than a pretty face. Women are incredible: we are homemakers, CEO's, parents, sisters, daughters. We are sensual, beautiful, sexy, smart- need I go on? But when people look at those of us who are not 'perfect' we seem to be overlooked.

A recent article in Essence by bishop T.D. Jakes pointed out this very same thing. He says, 'We are bombarded with contradictory messages about what we should look like. Who among us doesn't recall it being said that someone was too skinny, too fat, too black, too light, too thick-lipped, too thin-nosed, too kinky headed, too something or other?'. Men & women miss out on a lot when we look only at the superficial rather than the person as a whole. If I lost 20lbs, died my hair blonde, wore contacts, short skirts etc I would still be the same person I am now. Only it wouldn't be me. It would be the me you tell me I should be. The me who society says I should be. Bishop Jakes ends his article with a a beautiful line. 'Step onto the grand stage of your own life. See how beautiful you are'. Amen. Don't be defined by what someone else considers beautiful. I have learned that those who cannot appreciate what I look like cannot appreciate me.

All the Single Ladies

I went to a friend of mine's wedding yesterday. She spared no expense, it was a very lovely affair. I haven't been to a lot of weddings; truth is, I don't know a lot of married people. This year I went to a gay wedding which was so precious and all told I've attended 5 weddings in my lifetime. When I arrived at the reception hall I found my name on a little card on a table and saw the number assigned to me- 8. Pretty good number, always been my favorite. But then a college girlfriend of mine was table 1. Huh. Weird that we weren't sitting together since we've known each other for years. At any rate after a cocktail reception in which I sucked down 3 glasses of pino noir we were finally seated. I looked around at my table and only noticed 3 familiar faces. Well by now you might have guessed, I was seating at the leper table, better known as the singles table. Fuck.

Is there a table more degrading other than the kids table than this? For Christ sake, why not make us sit and eat in the kitchen? Hell, our chances of meeting a potential mate might be greater. Thanks friend for the seat assignment. And of course all around the table was all vagina. Accomplished, smart vagina, but vagina nonetheless. Not one single guy in the room. Unless you count the children and I don't find adolescence attractive. Is this the protocol for weddings? At the gay wedding I was the only straight person in the room so it didn't seem to bother me. Although my lesbian neighbors kept asking me if I was sure I was straight. Ahem, yes. Just because I support gay marriage, gay men love me, I like Rehoboth beach and I am unexplicibly single does not make me gay. But I digress. Why are singles singled out like that? I mean, I had some very good conversation with some of these ladies so I wasn't miserable but why not categorize people in a less demeaning way? Is it because once someone gets married they can no longer relate to single people? Or is it that they think us single girls on the prowl are going to make a play for the guy with the wedding band the minute wifey steps away to refill her glass? Give me a break. In the other wedding I went to it was all of us good friends, some married, some not, some gay, some not, some old, some not. Doesn't this make more sense than putting us all together like if you touch us we'll instantly become pregnant and beg the first guy we see to marry us? Cripes.

The last humiliating single girl activity I did for the evening was be singled out once again for the ceremonial catch the bouquet. We all paraded out before the crowd of pitied eyes for the chance of perhaps catching our prince charming. I had a America's Funniest Videos flashback to the countless bridesmaids and guests who went flying face forward for the chance of catching the bouquet and I was determined to NOT be that bitch. Off it went- off and to the left, off, and to the left. And landed in the hands of a 7 foot glamazon who had it before it was even tossed. None of us wore our Jordans to the wedding so we couldn't match her height. Congratulations, we won't be inviting you back to our table next time around. So there!

Online ADD

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, and we were laughing at the statistical probability of me meeting so many winning candidates in one lifetime. She asked me how can it be? And I told her I've cast a wide net and I'm out there actively trying. And with the good comes the bad, indifferent and conversationally challenged.

Someone else recently asked me a similar question, the infamous 'why are you single'? Which, I suppose if someone thinks I'm a great catch and I should be attached to someone by now I can appreciate it, but the obvious answer is I haven't found someone I'm compatible with. But there is another minor barrier. Its a phenomenon known as online ADD.

A guy reaches out and says hello, you exchange a few emails back and forth and then poof! He's gone. He's found something better, before he even knows whether you are a good match or not. Who does that? Have you ever found yourself in public, having a conversation with someone and in the middle they walk off? Not likely. So why does it happen online? I suppose its because there's no accountability, it's not 'real' per say, so no one feels obligated to say goodbye. And yet, that person keeps coming back to look at you, but doesn't even remember that just a week ago he dropped off the earth mid-sentence. There's the frequent online ADD'er, who pops in and pops out as if he never 'met' you the first time. I have one, and in fact I just got another email from him this morning with the same line he started out with two times before. He doesn't even remember we just had this conversation two weeks ago.

That's one of the challenges of online dating, not everyone is really serious, its like a slot machine and the game for some is to keep spinning/flipping for the jackpot. Chances are though, if you flip too fast you might have missed it.

Next stop? Desparation

Working from home I find myself watching a lot of crap on t.v. Today I found myself watching Dr. Phil. And today Dr. Phil is tackling the me's of the world- 35 and over looking for love, marriage and happiness. I feel sort of special that I am topic-worthy. The first guest is 48 and marrying a man who is abusive, has attachment disorder and drinks a lot. WTF? Dr. Phil asked her how she got to this point. And she said 'I spent most of my life focusing on my career and I turned around one day and I was over 35'. Damn if that didn't hit me with a ton of bricks.

You see, I just turned 35. And I, like this woman on Dr. Phil's couch, focused much of my life on my career. I never thought growing up about marriage. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of the white gown, the flower girls and all of that. And kids? Please. In high school I was opposed and I kept up that opposition up until recently. But then somewhere along the way, everything changed. I turned around and all my single girlfriends were no longer single. And there I was, single, alone and stagnant while the world kept moving ahead. Shit.

Am I going to pay in love because I focused on my career? Am I going to have to settle because at my age according to Dr. Phil 'I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting married after 35'? As it is my bullshit meter has runneth over multiple times with my trying to be more open and less irritated with men who under normal circumstances I might not have put up with. But lets face it, the clock is ticking. And now that I have come to the conclusion that I want to have a family and settle down, am I doomed to just... settle? This woman is so angry, defensive and frankly, clueless. Sisters are doing it for themselves these days, but apparently there is a trade off. When I look at my future and examine my past, it doesn't look promising...

Troll #2 Here kitty kitty

One of the things I enjoy about the people I have in my life is that they are incredible people. Single mothers, multi taskers, world changers. All of them are full of depth, incredibly smart and very talented. And then there is him. This post is not for the faint of heart or prudes. So if you want to click to another site its best to do that now......

Ok. For those of you who are fans of Sex and the City might remember an episode where Charlotte was going out with a man they termed Mr Pussy. He had one interest and one interest only- going down on women. Samantha said 'you can't tame mr pussy, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of New York'. Well I've got my own Mr. Pussy. We met about 3 years ago and on the surface he seemed like a decent guy. Handsome, good father, decent job. Over time however I did find him to be quite one dimensional in that our conversations were the same every time we talked. He seemed to have no spine and no real interests. Except one. And that interest my friends was my gentle flower. The first night we were together I had 4 orgasms. Yes, 4. First time in my life that anyone has brought me to such fits of pleasure in all my years. So of course, I was hooked. And he couldn't get enough. But I tried to make more of him than their actually was. So I stuck around. But soon I began to realize there was nothing there. Nothing. This was a man who when I would say 'hey' to him his reply would ALWAYS be 'horse'. At first I didn't get it, then when I did I thought it was a joke only a child would say. Especially repeatedly. Ugh. At one point when I tried to nail him down for dinner plans and he couldn't commit I gave up. The sex was incredible but for peets sake I thought I was losing brain cells dealing with him. But it didn't stop there.

In my quest to uh, 'replicate' that orgasmic feeling I experimented with a little technology, gave a couple of guys the chance to prove their worthiness but all attempts fell short. So like a werewolf responding to a full moon, I began waking up in the middle of the night trying to rack my brain for his number. I had to have it. Don't judge me! If you had it (and hell you might have) you would understand. So eventually our paths crossed again. That night he got an A++. It was a holiday romp, and apparently he was feeling especially generous. The giving season and all.

He's one troll I just can't shake. He has been trying to get at me again, and who am I to deny his desires? I have a need, he has a want, everybody wins. My girlfriend asked me if I was willing to give him another boyfriend shot. 'I actually don't mind a man who is dumber than me. In fact, I prefer it'. She had a bit of a point, but a man like Mr. Pussy cannot be tamed. He has one thing he is good at and ask him to stray and he will likely spontaneously explode.

Update!

Oh its too precious. So precious I have to post it:

subject: IM NOT GOING TO REASON YOU FOR YOUR NUMBER!!!!!

I'M NOT YOUR PAST I'M YOUR PRESENT!!!!!!! AND JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE OUT YOUR NUMBER TO THE WRONG PEOPLE THAT DON'T MEAN THAT IT APPLIES TO ME..THIS IS WHERE PEOPLE MISSES UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!!

You know, I think he's angry. Why did you kirk out like that? Hence the reason why I'm not giving you my number. You're a fucking crackpot.

What's in a number?

Sooo maybe its just me, but I am very protective of my phone number. There is so little of our lives that is private these days, facebook is trying to sell our souls to the highest bidder, google reveals every rant and rave, petition and review I've done (and am damn proud of too), where there's a will, there's a way. So why do men freely give out their numbers and get offensive when you don't want to give them yours? It's my fucking number dammit!

I've prematurely given out my number before to douche bags that didn't deserve it. There was the buggaboo who spent 20 minutes telling me how he likes feminine women, blah blah. I tuned it out when I quickly realized we weren't a match. In fact, I never returned a single phone call, though he called me 6 times in a 2 day period. We had nothing in common other than the fact that I have a vagina and he would like to get re-introduced to one. I finally had to send the 'I've got a lot going on in my life, good luck to you email' and he got the hint. Then there was the crazy island boy who lied about his age, asked me if I thought I was pretty enough to be around and then kept fucking calling. Despite his 8 calls in 36 hours I was resistant to his troll jedi powers. Another blast from my past who asked me for my number every time (and my response is the same) doesn't seem to get it. And now there is coach procreator (see previous blog). He sends me one email- one- and asks me for my number. With buggaboo still fresh on my mind I say thanks, but I'm not ready to give up the digits just yet. He replies with a smart ass remark and I kindly laid into him. I suspect he won't like it but I don't give a two shits. How do I know you're not nuts? How do you know I'm not nuts?? And one of the good things about dating online is the ability to see how people communicate. If you can't send an email with a more than a few words, moving on. If you can't spell, not interested. And if you wanted to trade phone numbers with someone without prior knowledge why not just stick to craigslist? Even when people would meet in public (remember that?) you usually had a quick conversation before passing on the sacred 7 to joe public.

Call me a prude, but the digits are off limits!

The basketball team

That's how many kids he has. Enough to have his own basketball team. Yes, 5. Damn. You know back in the day people used to make lots of babies because a) they weren't sure if all were going to survive and b) to have enough kids to help around the farm. But what's the 21st century man doing making 5 babies? That is, if he's not a mormon (confirmed, he's not).

Why so many? Mind you, they are with the same woman to which he is divorcing. But 5? I can't wrap my head around it. I don't know much about him, so we may not even get to the I want to see you in public stage, but I'm not sure if I want to give him the opportunity. I want my own family, and one more could officially make us the black Brady Bunch. As a woman in my 30's, its not uncommon for me to run into a man with child. I used to reject those guys, but reality says that most men my age may have planted a seed or two. And if they are good fathers, that's major bonus points. But...5? Is it me, or should I give it a chance?

Pros:

• He's cute
• The kids are from one mother
• He's cute

Cons:

• There are 5 of them
• He may not have an interest in making another (although he's shown he's highly capable) in the future, should we become a permanent item
• A recent divorcee, the littlest tot could be a baby. Too close in proximity to split
• Did I mention, there are 5?

What's a girl to do?

Troll #1- Are you a Lesbian?

Well he wasn't number one, there are SO many that deserve that title. But he happened to be the catalyst for starting this blog so I figure he deserves some sort of acknowledgment. Congratulations asshole!

So I'm chatting online with a boy that I met on an online dating site. He says to me, 'why are you single'? Ok just to digress for a minute, why do men ask that question? I'm sure women might also ask, but since I don't date women I can't validate. But seriously, what is with that question? How is someone supposed to answer that? I'm single because guys who ask that are stupid and therefore get put in the 'not interested' category. Ugh. At any rate, so I answered with my standard answer (I haven't met the right guy yet) and proceeded to tell him about my experience with online dating, that a lot of people who are on dating sites pretend to be something they are not because the Internet allows for virtually unlimited anonymity and they can say they are one thing and be another. His response? 'Are you a lesbian'? HUH? I must have missed something because for the life of me I can't understand why he would ask me such a ridiculous question. I love my lesbian sisters, but would I be on a dating site where my profile says, 'looking for men', I am talking to a man, and my sexual preference says 'men' (they don't offer an 'often' option so I chose plan b)? My reply? 'I am now' and I closed the chat window and put him in the 'block loser category'.