Midnight's missed kiss. An omen?

It's new years eve. You know what that means: resolutions, over-eating, over-drinking, hugging, celebrating and of course, that midnight kiss. Of course, I've yet to be dating someone on the turn of a new year, so inevitably I've missed that traditional kiss. Is that the curse on my love life, only to be broken by the kiss of someone you love?

2009 has sucked, big time. Here's a recap: lack of communication with my mother which lasted many months, I quit my job, only to take a another that I regretted taking two days after I started. The one man who I cared about (his blog is coming, its a two-parter for sure, not to be missed.) made a fool of me for what I hoped was the last time and I said goodbye, another man who swore he cared broke my heart, lousy (and infrequent) sex, new wrinkles, lost friendships, I could go on... needless to say I won't be sorry to say goodbye to 2009.

Now I hate to have charlie brown syndrome, but I can't seem to understand why I keep getting the shit kicked out me. I take absolute responsibility for just about everything that has gone wrong this year (and even the broken hearts I could take responsibility for to an extent). But I'm hoping this year the decisions I make will be the right ones- a few of them at least. I missed last year's kiss, and the year before that, and the year before that. Is there a pattern here?

I have a lot to be grateful for. In spite of my old lady foot acting up on occasion I have my health. I need to be better about it and that's a resolution I intend to keep. I made one smart move this year and that was quit a job that made me miserable. I haven't slept better in weeks than I have after that so I know that was a good thing. I have friends (although they seem to be fewer every year) who I can count on and whom I adore. I have my family which is far from perfect but they are the only one's I've got.

I read this morning on my horoscope that 2010 looks good. Ha! I dare you to defy the stars 2010! Perhaps there's a midnight kiss in my future to break the omen afterall? Only time (the clock stricking midnight to be precise) will tell.

The Blind Date a.k.a. the Spark

I had a blind date tonight. It was blind in the fact that I had no idea what he looked like. He, however, knew what I looked like. We'd communicated back and forth all last week, and since Friday have had phone conversations at least 2 hours long every night. And sometimes during the day too. On paper he was just about perfect: He made me laugh, he liked baby animals, he enjoyed The Little Mermaid and Little Shop of Horrors for peets sake (if you know me then you know all of these things are an easy way to impress me). One problem.

Physically, I am not attracted to him. Fuck.

I am the first to say looks aren't everything. As someone who I'm certain has been dissed and dismissed because I've got extra padding, believe me, I know. It's not a fun feeling. But it's not too much to ask to be attractive to someone... is it?

There are a lot of things that make someone attractive to me. And he has a lot of those qualities. But tonight I saw two of his downsides: A man is just that, a man. Its not about telling me what to do (damn that) but its about taking initiative. We spent 45 min (kid you not) trying to figure out what city to meet at. Finally we decided upon a place that was in between us. I get there, and he has no idea what's around there or where he wants to go. Ok. So I take out my phone (God bless technology) and imagine my surprise when the only thing that was around there was a TGI Fridays or a diner. If you want to take a minute to guess where he chose I'll let you mull it...

Yes, the diner. Not exactly first date (or any date) material. Oy.

But as unappealing as the diner was (I think my hair smells of burger), the bigger issue is that I don't see any attraction there. Don't mean to sound crass, but when I go out with someone I want to know at the end of the night I want nothing more than for him to put his lips to mine and lay one on me, and with any luck we'll be sharing more than a meal in the near future. Mentally I wanted to jump his bones, physically... not so much. And it's not that he's ugly because he's not.

But I just didn't feel a spark.

Fizz.......

The Memo

Ladies be warned. A phenomenon is happening with men of the 21st century, and the only thing that can explain it is that there are instructions, a memo if you will, with the way to be an asshole. I would like for you to read the email below:

Hey K****,
I've been thinking. You're a lot of fun and really cute, but I really didn't expect to get involved with anyone so quickly. I realized that I'm just not ready for this, and that you should find someone better. I've had a lot of fun with you and I'm sure we could have more fun, but experience tells me it's better to step out early than to wait and drag things out.
I wish you well,
DICKHEAD

I added his name in there. This email came not 3 days after they slept together. Sound familiar? If you follow my blog you know it happened to me with MMC. And if my intuition is anywhere close to accurate, its happened to you or someone you know. This is the part where we exclaim a collective WTF.

Is this the low men are sinking to these days to get some? Or is there something in this top secret memo that says, sleep with us and we'll be picking out china. Run while you can!!! This just in: Women want to get laid JUST as much as you do. Sure, when you spend a lot of time with someone (as K did in this situation and as I did in mine), sleeping with someone has some emotional connection for us. But we are NOT in love with you. Well, maybe some of us are. But that depends on where we're at in our relationship. But its not within the first couple of months of spending time together. Its not a one night stand either, we're hoping to shag you on a regular basis (if the sex is any good). But do you feel like the lowest piece of shit on earth for sleeping with a girl you've been dating and then ditch her right after?

Women are not opposed to one night stand or heavy petting with a stranger. But most of us want more than that. That's why we date. We date to find someone compatible with us emotionally, mentally and physically. We date for a means to an end (most of us anyway). So when we let you taste the honey pot, we want to pull you a little closer in every way. But not close enough to meet your parents. Not close enough for us to put a box of tampons under your sink. And not close enough for you to shit your pants thinking that we've sunk our talons into you and aren't letting go!

Do us a favor men. Be men. Take us out, show us a good time and put it on us like you should. And if all that continues going well, don't fight it and for peets sake don't panic. Its really unbecoming.

Someone, please make sure this gets in to the memo.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Every now and then (like, every day) I am reminded that I am 35. The lines in my face, the aching bones. Suddenly I've landed in my mid-thirties. Halfway to retirement! Able to run for president! These are significant milestones. In spite of these milestones, I can accept it with some level of grace. But one thing continues to elude me, and I'm not sure if I will ever find it.

Love.

I see so many people I know younger than me, happy, with families, living a beautiful dream. I will admit it to the world, I am jealous. Not in a, i-hate-you-and-wish-you-ill kind of way, but in a how-has-this-managed-to-elude-me-all-this-time kind of way. I was never the one to dream of being married growing up. Well, sometimes I would have visions of designing the perfectly coordinated event, but I wasn't thinking about me being in the white dress. Perhaps that is where I missed the mark? I wouldn't give up focusing on school and my career for anything in the world. And its not like anyone was knocking down my door at that time and I turned them away. But now here I am, damn near middle age, and I am unmarried with zero prospects, no children.

I am alone.

What does it take to find Mr. Right these days? I know because I am of the 'fluffy' variety most men don't want me. Everyone has preferences. Just like I don't want to date self-centered pricks, uneducated men, dead beats or cheaters, some men don't want to date fat girls. I can live with that. And while this blog is highly entertaining (for me at least), I am puzzled by my inability to meet a man who can appreciate who I am and what I have to give. Maybe my window of opportunity has passed me by; perhaps there simply are no decent men left.

Can this be true?

I don't want to miss out on the chance to love, to fight, to make up, to make babies, to feel butterflies- to be happy in love with someone who loves me. But for the life of me I can't figure out what the secret to this success is.

Have you?

Troll #10 Cookies

For some reason this blast from many years came to me one day recently. One could say, he was the first troll! Historical evidence that my dating life has sucked for over a decade.

Many years ago before I went to college I worked at Wells Fargo, telling people that their credit stunk and being screamed at by every Tom, Dick, and Mary. Blah blah blah, your credit stinks, the reports don't lie, get over it. Anyhoo there were other agencies, banks, offices etc. that I interacted with on a daily. And me being me (i.e. charming as always) had a friendly relationship with one dude in particular. We interacted over the phone just about every day for business purposes, but at some point we had a witty banter/flirty relationship thing going on. It was fun, I didn't think much of it. Then one day he asked me out. Now before I go on I must say I have only been on a blind date twice in my life. This was one of them.

I remember it clearly: it was a cold night, December I believe, and I was dressed in a plaid skirt, a cream sweater, cream knee high socks and brown flat (think Rachel from Glee only in my defense, this was the early 90's). Cute, innocent, totally me. He pulls up in a mustang (those were big in the day) and if memory serves I think he was kinda cute. But unfortunately he was a total asshole.

I get into his car and he says 'hey, I brought you a cookie'. You know those cookies you get from 7-11 at the counter, that are wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah, that's the one. How sweet (barf). So we drive off and he gets a page on his beeper (90's, remember?) and we pull up to a pay phone, not 3 blocks from my house. He's on the phone for a minute and comes back to the car. 'I have to help my friend move a mattress'. Now, before I go on I should clarify its 8p at night. 'Excuse me?' I say. 'Yeah, my friend has to move a mattress out of his house. Let's stop by there and then we can go out'. Uh, no. Sometimes dates end up on or near a mattress, but this wasn't what I had in mind. 'How about not and you drop me home. Let's do it another time', I say. 'Are you sure? It won't take long'. I thought, are you fucking nuts? Either you're are oblivious or you and your friends are going to rape me, kill me, and stuff me in said mattress. No thanks. 10 minutes later I was back at my house.

I was sad, I won't lie. Back then I had low self esteem and thought that his mattress excuse was because he didn't like me. So I called my girlfriend and she came over. After a pep talk we decided to exact revenge the best way how. That 7-11 cookie? We ran over it 5 times with my car. Smashed it to smithereens! I felt so much better. And every time I date a troll I think, I wish I could run over your cookies.

And then I smile:-)

And just like that...

He's gone. My potential Mr. Right has fallen off the earth. Either he's dead (heaven forbid), someone he knows has died (again, not cool) or he has decided he doesn't want to date me and doesn't feel like sharing this information with me. He doesn't get a troll label, he didn't fall under that category. He simply gets a fond farewell, and I get to be available again.

Poof!