No real news with the new boy in my life. He had strep (thankfully he didn't get me sick on our date!) so I haven't seen him since we first met. But we've talked. And for me, something is missing. I really, really hate forced conversations. To me a sign of a connection is when you don't have to think about what to talk about, where the conversation goes, all the traditional questions in a particular order, you get the idea. But if I am being honest with myself, he's kind of boring.
I was telling a friend of mine that I thought he was kind of conservative. Which is true. I am definitely the more outgoing, chatty kathy of the two. But when we talk, there's a lot of crickets in the air (i.e. dead silence). We're SO far away from the listening to each other breathe phase (I think that only exists in movies anyway), so its seems as if we don't have much to say. He'll call me and we'll talk for maybe 5 min. And that 5 min is a painful one because its me doing the prodding. On our date we had a nice time, we had some video game action so we had something to focus on other than each other. So it was easy. And during dinner we talked more freely. No dead spaces. Perhaps phone is not his thing? Confidentially, I think it goes a little farther than that? He bores me.
I know that sounds fucked up, but more times than not I find myself not connecting with him. Its not because he doesn't have extra curricular activites that he enjoys, or that he doesn't have knowledge about the world around him. But one thing I will give MMC (see earlier), and the only thing I will give him, is that our conversations were easy, natural. And it would range from the mundane (creating scenarios in which my cat is texting him about his kitty entourage), to politics, to relationships to each other. There was no script, it just...happened. What am I missing here? And more importantly, is it something I can do without?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Troll #9 Twice
Our last 'president' tried to say this phrase once, but for the intelligent people of the world I will say it how its supposed to be said: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Of course, I thought that only happened to fools. Until I became one of them.
I met this troll about a year after I moved here. After settling into being in the area and moving to my own place, I decided I would stop being a homebody, take a chance and try my hand at online dating. And there he was. Tall, dark and handsome. Something about him took my breath away. So I reached out and to my surprise, he reached back. You know the story blah blah, we got to talking.
His voice was like velvet in my ears. I loved hearing him talk, his voice was so damn sexy! And I remember one night I had a dream of a man and woman in white, and it was us. Odd, because at that time marriage was not something I was entertaining with him or anyone. But there it was. We made plans to meet up, some place in Alexandria that was a non-chain. I appreciated that he made a choice, he was a take-charge kind of guy. The night approached, I looked delicious (as always) and I arrived a few min early and waited. And waited. And waited. A thousand things ran through my mind as I came to the realization that I was being stood up. He was in the back laughing with his friends. He walked in, took one look at me and bailed. Self esteem wasn't in high order back then. But what if he got into an accident? I just didn't know. I called several times, nothing. So after sitting there for a humiliating 1/2 hour, I bailed. And didn't hear from him again. Until a month later.
In fact, when he popped up via IM (why is that the preferred method of communication for trolls?), I had just come full circle of emotions from being blown off. What the fuck does this asshole want? Believer it or not, not to apologize. He had a gig he said, and couldn't make it. Bullshit. And I feel so confident he was whisked away, Jack Bauer style, forced to play in a band, without having access to a cell, a pay phone, a courier pidgeon- something- to say he wasn't coming. I had to push and push for him to admit he was wrong, and after all that the apology meant nothing. I hate to admit it, but we started talking again at some point. But something told me to be a little more cautious the second time around. And sure enough he didn't show. But thankfully, I knew he wouldn't show and made plans with someone else. No harm done. And after that we didn't talk.
But dating online is a lot like shopping at old navy. Eventually you are going to see your shirt on someone else. And I stumbled across his profile a year later. And he was just too fine to resist. And wouldn't you know it, we finally went out. We had a nice time, he was gentlemanly, attentive, all the things a man should be on a date. I'll be nice and not remark on his piece of shit car that he picked me up in, or his party shirt he was wearing, because despite that we had a nice time. And a nice first kiss that felt right, natural. We made plans for the following Friday for him to make me dinner. The day came and I called him to find out what the plan was and he mentions that he was going out with some friends for drinks. I was like, ok, so do you want to reschedule? And he kirked out. And then he fucking hung up on me. What the fudgesicle? What did I do wrong? You change plans mid-stream, and I am in the wrong? That, my friends, was strike 3.
He still peeks in at my profile, every few months or so. Regret? Possibly. Who can say. But rest assure that is one troll, that I will not EVER give another chance.
I met this troll about a year after I moved here. After settling into being in the area and moving to my own place, I decided I would stop being a homebody, take a chance and try my hand at online dating. And there he was. Tall, dark and handsome. Something about him took my breath away. So I reached out and to my surprise, he reached back. You know the story blah blah, we got to talking.
His voice was like velvet in my ears. I loved hearing him talk, his voice was so damn sexy! And I remember one night I had a dream of a man and woman in white, and it was us. Odd, because at that time marriage was not something I was entertaining with him or anyone. But there it was. We made plans to meet up, some place in Alexandria that was a non-chain. I appreciated that he made a choice, he was a take-charge kind of guy. The night approached, I looked delicious (as always) and I arrived a few min early and waited. And waited. And waited. A thousand things ran through my mind as I came to the realization that I was being stood up. He was in the back laughing with his friends. He walked in, took one look at me and bailed. Self esteem wasn't in high order back then. But what if he got into an accident? I just didn't know. I called several times, nothing. So after sitting there for a humiliating 1/2 hour, I bailed. And didn't hear from him again. Until a month later.
In fact, when he popped up via IM (why is that the preferred method of communication for trolls?), I had just come full circle of emotions from being blown off. What the fuck does this asshole want? Believer it or not, not to apologize. He had a gig he said, and couldn't make it. Bullshit. And I feel so confident he was whisked away, Jack Bauer style, forced to play in a band, without having access to a cell, a pay phone, a courier pidgeon- something- to say he wasn't coming. I had to push and push for him to admit he was wrong, and after all that the apology meant nothing. I hate to admit it, but we started talking again at some point. But something told me to be a little more cautious the second time around. And sure enough he didn't show. But thankfully, I knew he wouldn't show and made plans with someone else. No harm done. And after that we didn't talk.
But dating online is a lot like shopping at old navy. Eventually you are going to see your shirt on someone else. And I stumbled across his profile a year later. And he was just too fine to resist. And wouldn't you know it, we finally went out. We had a nice time, he was gentlemanly, attentive, all the things a man should be on a date. I'll be nice and not remark on his piece of shit car that he picked me up in, or his party shirt he was wearing, because despite that we had a nice time. And a nice first kiss that felt right, natural. We made plans for the following Friday for him to make me dinner. The day came and I called him to find out what the plan was and he mentions that he was going out with some friends for drinks. I was like, ok, so do you want to reschedule? And he kirked out. And then he fucking hung up on me. What the fudgesicle? What did I do wrong? You change plans mid-stream, and I am in the wrong? That, my friends, was strike 3.
He still peeks in at my profile, every few months or so. Regret? Possibly. Who can say. But rest assure that is one troll, that I will not EVER give another chance.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Cinderella Lost her Shoe
Funny story. I had a date on Sunday (don't tell anyone, but I think he might be a keeper!) and after choosing several outfits and selecting a panel to help me choose the best choice for our date (video games and dinner), I was all set. I chose to wear with my outfit my favorite pair of red shoes. Those of you who know me know I have a thing for red, and it just so happens I have about 6 pairs of red shoes. Different outfits require different types of red- get off my back! At any rate, these shoes are so precious. They are a deep red, pointy toe flat with a bow for a back. Too cute! Bad idea.
I suppose if there was a time to break ones shoe it would be in the mall so that it could be easily replaced but that's not really the point. As I took the last few steps to the bench to wait for my date, I felt something a little, loosey goosey. I looked and and sure enough, the ribbon was no longer attached to my shoe, leaving it to flap in the air. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was so devastated. I went from being cool, calm and collected to breaking into a sweaty panic. No money (or room) for shoes, but trying to keep that shoe on for 4 hours was NOT an option. Thankfully my date was a little late so I had time to hunt for a shoe that matched, was cheap, and useful in the future.
And like always, Nine West came to my rescue, I found a shoe under $40, and I had one of the most awesome date's I've had in a long time. Cinderella is back in the ball, looking fresher than ever!
I suppose if there was a time to break ones shoe it would be in the mall so that it could be easily replaced but that's not really the point. As I took the last few steps to the bench to wait for my date, I felt something a little, loosey goosey. I looked and and sure enough, the ribbon was no longer attached to my shoe, leaving it to flap in the air. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was so devastated. I went from being cool, calm and collected to breaking into a sweaty panic. No money (or room) for shoes, but trying to keep that shoe on for 4 hours was NOT an option. Thankfully my date was a little late so I had time to hunt for a shoe that matched, was cheap, and useful in the future.
And like always, Nine West came to my rescue, I found a shoe under $40, and I had one of the most awesome date's I've had in a long time. Cinderella is back in the ball, looking fresher than ever!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
To Concede or not to Concede, that is my question.
A friend told me once that I give up too quickly in relationships, that the first sign of trouble and I am ready to bail. I didn't agree with her at the time, because as you may notice in some of these entries, I've stayed WAY longer than I should have. But it was this voice I was hearing when I was talking to my new interest last night.
We haven't met yet. We've talked for the past couple of weeks and I like him. He's smart, driven, values family, articulate, handsome, etc. I appreciate all of his qualities, and I am looking forward to knowing more about him. Yesterday he revealed to me that he was just accepted into an MBA program starting in Jan 2010. Great news! But knowing how much school is a priority for him, not to mention work, his children, etc etc, I felt like I might be in the way of him achieving his goals. So I said, 'if this isn't the best time for you to bring someone new into your life I understand'. Apparently that was a no no.
So began a string of texts about what kind of man I want, women say one thing, but want another, blah blah. I didn't read them because I had a friend over and I was entertaining. After she left I called. He went on for a good 20 minutes about how people say this to him all the time, he doesn't understand yadda yadda yadda. I explained to him that I was trying to think of him and not of me (which is true) and that, not knowing that he's heard that 1000 times before I didn't realize what a nerve I touched. Now, whether or not you think what I said was shit, I think we can agree that it was a simple statement that didn't warrant 20 min of discussion. And I felt myself getting hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Boiling on the inside! I don't appreciate lectures. From anyone. And the normal me wanted to tell him to buzz off with his attitude. But I stopped. I stopped not only because I was hearing my friend's voice in the back of my mind, but because I decided not to let him make this a big deal and risk losing someone that may be a good fit. So, I apologized for something that I wasn't sure I did. Not something I would normally do, especially since by that point I was so very pissed. And talking through it, I realized that my statement to him really stirred something, some of which he revealed, some of which is part I-am-man-I-can-do-anything-and-how-would-you-suggest-otherwise. And for men and their egos, recognizing that is part of the dance that we do.
I think he realized that he had taken that out of context as well and we came out on the other end both waving our flags and still very much interested in each other. I don't like losing, and don't plan on doing it again (dammit!) but in this case, I think I will very much be a winner.
We haven't met yet. We've talked for the past couple of weeks and I like him. He's smart, driven, values family, articulate, handsome, etc. I appreciate all of his qualities, and I am looking forward to knowing more about him. Yesterday he revealed to me that he was just accepted into an MBA program starting in Jan 2010. Great news! But knowing how much school is a priority for him, not to mention work, his children, etc etc, I felt like I might be in the way of him achieving his goals. So I said, 'if this isn't the best time for you to bring someone new into your life I understand'. Apparently that was a no no.
So began a string of texts about what kind of man I want, women say one thing, but want another, blah blah. I didn't read them because I had a friend over and I was entertaining. After she left I called. He went on for a good 20 minutes about how people say this to him all the time, he doesn't understand yadda yadda yadda. I explained to him that I was trying to think of him and not of me (which is true) and that, not knowing that he's heard that 1000 times before I didn't realize what a nerve I touched. Now, whether or not you think what I said was shit, I think we can agree that it was a simple statement that didn't warrant 20 min of discussion. And I felt myself getting hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Boiling on the inside! I don't appreciate lectures. From anyone. And the normal me wanted to tell him to buzz off with his attitude. But I stopped. I stopped not only because I was hearing my friend's voice in the back of my mind, but because I decided not to let him make this a big deal and risk losing someone that may be a good fit. So, I apologized for something that I wasn't sure I did. Not something I would normally do, especially since by that point I was so very pissed. And talking through it, I realized that my statement to him really stirred something, some of which he revealed, some of which is part I-am-man-I-can-do-anything-and-how-would-you-suggest-otherwise. And for men and their egos, recognizing that is part of the dance that we do.
I think he realized that he had taken that out of context as well and we came out on the other end both waving our flags and still very much interested in each other. I don't like losing, and don't plan on doing it again (dammit!) but in this case, I think I will very much be a winner.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Troll #8 Spare Change?
I'd like to say I don't think ill of people, but one could argue that this blog is just that. But its simply not true dear reader! But this entry might dispell that myth just a bit.
Every now and then you encounter people that are just plain losers. There, I've said it. And this guy was one of them. And I owe it to a friend of mine who reminded me of this troll, he was that unforgettable. At any rate, I met him in March of last '08 and on paper he seemed to be a a mr. potential. He worked for a newspaper and could carry a conversation. Then a few weeks after we met, he got laid off. In retrospect I bet he was fired but that's neither here nor there. Losing their job happens to a lot of people, so I wasn't passing judgment on him for that. In fact, my interest in dating him had waned, my interests had shifted elsewhere.
The one thing we could never agree on was the election. He was a fan of Hilary, I wasn't. No big deal. But being the asshole that he was, he spent every email he sent to me spewing lies about Obama and trying to make points that didn't exist. Why he was so hell bent on proving his point to me I couldn't guess, I honestly didn't give a shit. But his pushy attitude it proved his lack of character to say the least. He went from having a job and a place to being unemployed and homeless pretty quickly. Very suspicious if you ask me, but whatever. He would give me his sob story on a daily basis; he's living in a drug house, his neighbor him up, he didn''t have a car, he stole my stuff, blah blah blah. He was like the male debbie downer, only none of it was making sense. And all of it was irritating.
Now I know I don't need to remind you, but I have not known this prick for very long. We met once for coffee which surprisingly he did buy, but that was it. We emailed a few times a week, he would sound off on his republican-like racist talking points, and I would say uh huh because I was bored of it. So would you be surprised to know that he asked to borrow money from me?? Oh yes, I wish I was lying but I'm not. He called me one day, stuck in DC and unable to get back to his borrowed couch in Greenbelt. 'Can I borrow $3 to get home?' he says. 'I can be there in a few minutes'. So he was wandering around downtown trying to figure out who he could use this time, because obviously he had to have burned his bridge with everyone to ask a virtual stranger for money. Oy. It just so happened that I had a $5 and gave it to him, never to see him again.
I'd like to say I hadn't heard from him after that point, but that was not the case. Our last email exchange was so precious, but unfortunately I deleted it. But essentially after going on and on again about Obama (I think this was after a big primary win, or something along those lines), I told him I thought he was a pushy person and his negativity not the kind of energy that I wanted in my life. He then proceeded to tell me it was no wonder I was single- this coming from a homeless, pathetic, unemployed douche bag with no drive whatsoever. Of course I was dating someone at the time, but why kick a dog when he's down?
I'm sure he thought he left on a high note, but unfortunately he wouldn't have been able to afford one.
Every now and then you encounter people that are just plain losers. There, I've said it. And this guy was one of them. And I owe it to a friend of mine who reminded me of this troll, he was that unforgettable. At any rate, I met him in March of last '08 and on paper he seemed to be a a mr. potential. He worked for a newspaper and could carry a conversation. Then a few weeks after we met, he got laid off. In retrospect I bet he was fired but that's neither here nor there. Losing their job happens to a lot of people, so I wasn't passing judgment on him for that. In fact, my interest in dating him had waned, my interests had shifted elsewhere.
The one thing we could never agree on was the election. He was a fan of Hilary, I wasn't. No big deal. But being the asshole that he was, he spent every email he sent to me spewing lies about Obama and trying to make points that didn't exist. Why he was so hell bent on proving his point to me I couldn't guess, I honestly didn't give a shit. But his pushy attitude it proved his lack of character to say the least. He went from having a job and a place to being unemployed and homeless pretty quickly. Very suspicious if you ask me, but whatever. He would give me his sob story on a daily basis; he's living in a drug house, his neighbor him up, he didn''t have a car, he stole my stuff, blah blah blah. He was like the male debbie downer, only none of it was making sense. And all of it was irritating.
Now I know I don't need to remind you, but I have not known this prick for very long. We met once for coffee which surprisingly he did buy, but that was it. We emailed a few times a week, he would sound off on his republican-like racist talking points, and I would say uh huh because I was bored of it. So would you be surprised to know that he asked to borrow money from me?? Oh yes, I wish I was lying but I'm not. He called me one day, stuck in DC and unable to get back to his borrowed couch in Greenbelt. 'Can I borrow $3 to get home?' he says. 'I can be there in a few minutes'. So he was wandering around downtown trying to figure out who he could use this time, because obviously he had to have burned his bridge with everyone to ask a virtual stranger for money. Oy. It just so happened that I had a $5 and gave it to him, never to see him again.
I'd like to say I hadn't heard from him after that point, but that was not the case. Our last email exchange was so precious, but unfortunately I deleted it. But essentially after going on and on again about Obama (I think this was after a big primary win, or something along those lines), I told him I thought he was a pushy person and his negativity not the kind of energy that I wanted in my life. He then proceeded to tell me it was no wonder I was single- this coming from a homeless, pathetic, unemployed douche bag with no drive whatsoever. Of course I was dating someone at the time, but why kick a dog when he's down?
I'm sure he thought he left on a high note, but unfortunately he wouldn't have been able to afford one.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Troll #7 Big Spender
For a brief period of my life I was a part of Match.com. A few friends had some success so I thought I would give it a try. Needless to say it didn't last long. But during my brief encounter I met some troll in VA. Like most trolls, his preferred method of communication was text. I should have known then. Unfortunately my phone was stolen overseas so there's no way to give you a play by play (its so much better this way). To sum it up he asked me if I would be interested in meeting him at panera for coffee and then, if I felt comfortable, go to his place for a glass of wine. Now what girl in her right mind would go to a man's house that she doesn't know for a first date glass of wine? Why not just buy the rohipnol yourself and save the gas? So anyhoo I said sure, meeting for coffee is fine. Notice how I didn't say yes to the wine. This is what we in the writing world call foreshadowing.
So I get to Panera (I had to haul my cookies to Alexandria, strike 2) and I am looking for him everywhere. Now mind you, he's sitting in the corner come to find out, but never at any point-despite having seen me- did he get up to greet me. Perfect. So I sit down, and we begin a dull conversation in which I was being entertained by my own wit. Not at any point did he offer to buy me a cup of coffee, let alone get me a cup of tap water. Getting better by the minute! So after an hour of me trying to pry anything meaningful out of him, I get to a point where I'm thinking, time to put me out of my misery. Thankfully he says, 'I'm going to get going I have some studying to do. I want to invite you to my house for a glass of wine (FYI its 3pm) if you're comfortable'. So I say thanks, but I don't feel comfortable, maybe another time. So we walk out together, we hug briefly and I fondle for my keys and head to the one place that makes me feel like I've accomplished something- Old Navy. Wouldn't you know it, they were having an outerwear sale! Hot pink wool coat for $40 bucks? No brainer.
As I was driving back into the district, pondering my retail conquest I hear my text message jingle go off. I look- 'you should have said you weren't interested if you didn't want to come over'. Cartoon shake of head. What? I reply with a ? and so begins a texting war between me and nut job over why I didn't make it clear that I was not interested in going over his house for a glass of wine. Lets see, was it the winning conversation that won me over? Nooo. How about the 3 bucks he spent on coffee? Oh right, he didn't. Maybe he swept his floor, and he was pissed that he went through all that effort. I felt the need to tell him I think he should seek professional help for his delusional paranoia, which of course didn't help. Telling him to go fuck himself and threatening to call the po po however seemed to do the trick.
There is a moral to this story. Before you give out your number to a troll, make sure you check with your cell phone provider that they can block the number in case they turn out to be serial killers in training.
So I get to Panera (I had to haul my cookies to Alexandria, strike 2) and I am looking for him everywhere. Now mind you, he's sitting in the corner come to find out, but never at any point-despite having seen me- did he get up to greet me. Perfect. So I sit down, and we begin a dull conversation in which I was being entertained by my own wit. Not at any point did he offer to buy me a cup of coffee, let alone get me a cup of tap water. Getting better by the minute! So after an hour of me trying to pry anything meaningful out of him, I get to a point where I'm thinking, time to put me out of my misery. Thankfully he says, 'I'm going to get going I have some studying to do. I want to invite you to my house for a glass of wine (FYI its 3pm) if you're comfortable'. So I say thanks, but I don't feel comfortable, maybe another time. So we walk out together, we hug briefly and I fondle for my keys and head to the one place that makes me feel like I've accomplished something- Old Navy. Wouldn't you know it, they were having an outerwear sale! Hot pink wool coat for $40 bucks? No brainer.
As I was driving back into the district, pondering my retail conquest I hear my text message jingle go off. I look- 'you should have said you weren't interested if you didn't want to come over'. Cartoon shake of head. What? I reply with a ? and so begins a texting war between me and nut job over why I didn't make it clear that I was not interested in going over his house for a glass of wine. Lets see, was it the winning conversation that won me over? Nooo. How about the 3 bucks he spent on coffee? Oh right, he didn't. Maybe he swept his floor, and he was pissed that he went through all that effort. I felt the need to tell him I think he should seek professional help for his delusional paranoia, which of course didn't help. Telling him to go fuck himself and threatening to call the po po however seemed to do the trick.
There is a moral to this story. Before you give out your number to a troll, make sure you check with your cell phone provider that they can block the number in case they turn out to be serial killers in training.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
It's a New Day
I'm sure its written somewhere that eventually, everyone shows their ass. It was definitely true with MMC. For weeks now, MMC has been popping in and out via IM with various small talk bull shit and little innuendos. And for weeks I have been asking him what he wants from me, because prior to his silly IM communications he told me things were moving too fast and he wanted to be friends. So, for your consideration, here is the last of the communications between he & I (some of the convo isn't here-including him trying to see if he could see me in my costume-, but this is where it began to fall apart. IM names have been removed so that he won't get wind of this blog and want a piece of any future profits):
ME-you know ive asked you this a few times now, and you seem to keep avoiding the answer. what is it that you want from me? you pop in every few weeks and then disappear again. i dont get it.
HIM-well i had u on my mind, so decided to stop by and say hi. hope u have a great time tomorrow, be safe.....
ME-again with the non answer
ME- thats fine. im not going to be your internet buddy Mark. you keep popping in and out, you tell me these things which are just words. you can't answer me anything. and i dont know what any of this means. its hurtful to me that you keep playing games. i don't deserve it. when you know what you want and you know how to express it feel free to reach out. i know you won't respond as you usually do and that's fine. i can't force you to be honest with me.
So he waited until the next evening (yesterday) to reply with this (in bold, menacing font):
HIM- I receive your message, it was loud and clear. I sorry u feel that way. being friends is a big part of a relationship and if something serious would have come out of this, it is clear to me that u would only have your heart in it when the times are good. real relationships are two fold; part friendship and part lovers. I am disappointed in what i am finding in you, but all the same i wish you well. BYE!
ME- give me break mark. you're blaming me for this shit? you said you wanted to be friends and friends only. be a man. you didnt want a relationship, you made that clear. so don't pretend you wanted more because you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Perhaps I'm wrong. I would like to remind you, dear reader, that at no point did he ever say to me 'I want to try again', or 'I'm sorry for what I said/did', or 'Can we try again'. What the fuck am I supposed to take from these bullshit 'conversations'? They aren't conversations, this is not how one conducts a relationship. Damn near 38 years old, and he acts like any other man when they feel they are being rejected- like a total prick. He showed his ass for sure, because I knew when he broke up with me that he wasn't a man. A man does not walk away easily without making any effort. I knew it again when he continued to pop up via the internet with silly small talk, unable to articulate what it was he wanted and how he was going to take the steps to make that happened. And I knew he wasn't a man when he turned into a bitch hell bent on justifying his behavior, without ever defining it.
I was pissed, but only briefly. Actually, I feel liberated. There was a part of me that had hoped he would get it together, apologize, and get back on the road to a healthy relationship. But that was not so much out of wanting him, but rather not wanting to be alone. I have decided that I am no longer going to settle for less than amazing. I put up with his small talk convos far too long, and in turn I ended up holding out for something that was doomed from the start. I want to be happy in a healthy, loving relationship. And that takes time.
And I've decided I'm worth it.
ME-you know ive asked you this a few times now, and you seem to keep avoiding the answer. what is it that you want from me? you pop in every few weeks and then disappear again. i dont get it.
HIM-well i had u on my mind, so decided to stop by and say hi. hope u have a great time tomorrow, be safe.....
ME-again with the non answer
ME- thats fine. im not going to be your internet buddy Mark. you keep popping in and out, you tell me these things which are just words. you can't answer me anything. and i dont know what any of this means. its hurtful to me that you keep playing games. i don't deserve it. when you know what you want and you know how to express it feel free to reach out. i know you won't respond as you usually do and that's fine. i can't force you to be honest with me.
So he waited until the next evening (yesterday) to reply with this (in bold, menacing font):
HIM- I receive your message, it was loud and clear. I sorry u feel that way. being friends is a big part of a relationship and if something serious would have come out of this, it is clear to me that u would only have your heart in it when the times are good. real relationships are two fold; part friendship and part lovers. I am disappointed in what i am finding in you, but all the same i wish you well. BYE!
ME- give me break mark. you're blaming me for this shit? you said you wanted to be friends and friends only. be a man. you didnt want a relationship, you made that clear. so don't pretend you wanted more because you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Perhaps I'm wrong. I would like to remind you, dear reader, that at no point did he ever say to me 'I want to try again', or 'I'm sorry for what I said/did', or 'Can we try again'. What the fuck am I supposed to take from these bullshit 'conversations'? They aren't conversations, this is not how one conducts a relationship. Damn near 38 years old, and he acts like any other man when they feel they are being rejected- like a total prick. He showed his ass for sure, because I knew when he broke up with me that he wasn't a man. A man does not walk away easily without making any effort. I knew it again when he continued to pop up via the internet with silly small talk, unable to articulate what it was he wanted and how he was going to take the steps to make that happened. And I knew he wasn't a man when he turned into a bitch hell bent on justifying his behavior, without ever defining it.
I was pissed, but only briefly. Actually, I feel liberated. There was a part of me that had hoped he would get it together, apologize, and get back on the road to a healthy relationship. But that was not so much out of wanting him, but rather not wanting to be alone. I have decided that I am no longer going to settle for less than amazing. I put up with his small talk convos far too long, and in turn I ended up holding out for something that was doomed from the start. I want to be happy in a healthy, loving relationship. And that takes time.
And I've decided I'm worth it.
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