A Hard Habit to Break

Why are things that are so bad for you make you feel so good? I was thinking about that this morning when I woke up. Ever since MMC and I parted ways, I've encountered some of the most ignorant, dull, one- dimensional men I've made in a long time. Or maybe they just seemed that way in comparison to him. Nothing is the same. I haven't connected to anyone like I connected to him, I haven't laughed or smiled like I did with him. As Seanad (sp?) once said, nothing compares to you (or him, as it were).

Frankly, it pisses me off. It's not fair. It's not fair because for some reason he wants to continue to go through life not sure what he wants but he keeps trying to pull me into his flip-flopping bullshit. When we last spoke he was man enough to tell me that he loved me via IM and then disappeared into the night. Fast forward two days later and he pops up again (via IM) asking me some stupid shit about ebay. Then he asked me what the best remedy for him because he doesn't feel well. The crown jewel of this 'converstion'? He asked me if I would make him something to help him feel better. 'From the kitchen of the best chef in MD' he says. I said the best chef in MD isn't making you shit because I don't know what we're doing. I told him that I'm not being friends with him and that he needs to figure out what he wants. Silence. So I was like 'peace' and two seconds later my phone rings. Nothing meaningful, just wanted to talk more ebay shit. Then he said, can I call you back' and yet again- like he did before we broke up- he went incognegro.

Why does he insist on fucking with me like that? What is the point of it? I deserve so much more, and I've decided I am no longer going to have a conversation with him via IM. I miss him, miss him very much. But I am not going to settle for bullshit any more, I've done it all my life when it comes to men.

Any advice from here on out he is going to be billed for, and until he can learn to have an adult conversation about his feelings and what he wants from me I am cutting it off....

Why is that so much easier said than done?

Trol #6 22's

My mother implored me to join E-Harmony. I was against it because they have shitty values when it comes to same sex couples which is just plain whack. I have to wonder if their 29 dimensions were tested on people of color too but I'll stay off my political soap box for the time being. Needless to say I joined, moms know best as they say so why not?

I found that most people on the site either didn't pay or didn't have a photo, so easily 1/2 my matches were a no go. With a few candidates I made it to the 'communication' stage but by that point they lost interest before finding out anything more and never communicated. But one guy caught my eye so I initiated communication. In hindsight I recognize that he was so not my type, but I can't resist a guy in glasses. Plus he had some interesting things to say in his profile so I thought I would take a chance. He was very responsive which was a good sign, and within a week we made it to the open communication stage. We traded some emails back and forth (doesn't this story sound familiar?) and eventually exchanged numbers.

We talked a couple of times a day. But I quickly began to realize it was because he found HIMSELF so interesting. I'm a pretty simple girl. I don't like a lot of flash, I don't go gaga over labels (although some designers couture and non couture alike have incredible style), its just not me. He was my polar opposite (I suppose his flashy bama-esque Ed Hardy shirt he was wearing in his profile pic should have been a sign but those things are normally correctable). In our first conversation he told me about his $157 dollar pair of jeans. Really? Weird. He was also really, really, REALLY enamored by his truck. I believe it was our second or 3rd conversation that was primarily about his truck. His 22 inch rims, blah blah barf. Now, it was a good thing he didn't know me because he would have recognized my line of questioning right away to be total sarcasm. Are men really in love with their equipment like that? I mean their tangible equipment. I was so turned off/grossed out by that. Strike number 3 was when he was going on and on about watching BET and a 'yo mama' contest where I white boy from southern MD was 'straight given it to em son!'. Ver batim.

Thankfully I recognized this connection for what it was before we went out- a missed one. By a good 22 inches at least.

Troll #5 Shorts

Ok this is going to be a short one. For some reason this douche bag came into my mind the other day. Maybe it was something I saw on metro. At any rate, I met this dude sometime in the past year- I can't keep up with these winners anymore- online. We talked for a bit, I thought he was funny. Physically I wasn't gaga over him but for some people that can evolve.

It was a Saturday night and I had just gotten home from hanging with friends. So he asked me out. Cool. It was a lovely summer evening and I didn't want to be home anyway. I got dressed. Its a first date so I'm aiming to impress but not trying to be too flashy (that usually comes around the 3rd date when I want to make it clear that I am definitely interested). 'I'm outside', he calls from his cell phone. I go outside and in true gentleman fashion he doesn't get out of his car to meet me. Fine. I get in and we drive off.

I took him to one of my favorite spots but it was closed, so then he suggested Fridays. Ugh. As a general rule if a man suggests any of the following for a date in advance I will never talk to them again: Olive Garden (incidentally, that used to be the old name for today's winners before troll came to be), Applebees, Ruby Tuesdays, Friday's- you get the idea. Not ok. But since we were already on the way I didn't resist.

Anyhoo, we get to Fridays and we park and he gets out. Now, I didn't notice any of his ensemble while we were in the car, I felt weird to size him up in plain view because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Drum roll please.... He's wearing shorts. Stone wash, draw string shorts, too- tight- in- some- places- too- big- in- others- shorts. He's also wearing sunglasses. Its 10:30p. And while the shorts were wretched enough, he was wearing a Bugs Bunny t-shirt with it. And before you ask, I did not go out with a 12 year old. That's what he was wearing. A 40 something year old man. I don't believe most men should wear shorts to begin with (or many women for that matter). But stone wash? Draw string? Crotch huggers? It was too much. Nevermind that one of the stories he told me was how he and his buddies used to steal from his work truck (he delivered beer for a living) and sold it under the table to liquor stores. He made quite a profit that way and was proud of it.

Strike 3 (one being the shorts and two being the t-shirt) and you're out.

The Perv Universe

Who knew that you could get concert tickets, a standing mirror, car parts and a date all in one place? Damn you Craigslist for being so ingenious! Only one problem. 99% of the people on there are depraved, deprived and deplorable. How did the world of online communication become so, well, disgusting?

Now I want to say that I've met 3 people from craiglist in my life. One was a very dear friend who I lost to a car accident earlier this year (I miss you Al), another was decent but you'll hear more about him later. The other, well, he gets his own post. But because its free and can be totally anonymous, every degenerate within a 50 mile radius is on there. Here's a few samples:

CAN U JUMP INTO A REALTIONSHIP HIT ME

Are you really nice but a little naughty? - 35

420 and a clit licking? Interested in fun evening?

Who Wants A Big Load??

I think you can guess what that last one was about. Because its Sunday I decided not to share the content of these ads, but if you're interested I'm sure you could find it or one just like it. And I wish I could say this was the worst of it but I'd be lying. I've posted on craiglist a few times and I look for shits and giggles because frankly its free. But when I've posted I've always gotten some asshole to share his little pecker picture with me and I am not amused. Or some creep asking me if I like sensual massages and my toes sucked. WTF? How did Craigslist become so rotten? If you remember not that long ago some asshole killed a woman he solicited on craigslist. This is serious shit.

What I find so interesting/unsettling is that these people could be my neighbor or co-worker, they could be teaching children. The Internet has become a fantasy world, a place where everyone can lay their depravity on the line with the hopes that someone shares their same fantasy and will reach out and make that connection.

I troll through Craigslist from time to time for funzies but I honestly don't believe Mr right (or even right now) is on there. But the brutal truth is that paying for an online dating service does not guarantee I won't run into any depraved characters (see future post, 'Wine & Don't Dine', coming soon). So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My friend Al was one of the kindest, sweetest men I've ever met. Supportive, smart, funny and gave a lot to his country. So its possible to find. Just be sure you have your glasses out, you're going to need to find that needle in this deplorable haystack.

Troll #4 Suckable Lips

After things ended initially with MMC, I thought the best thing for me to do was jump back in the game. I had a funny feeling after 3 days of no returned calls that something was awry, so I started looking at messages I had yet to respond to on my online profile. I know in retrospect I was not ready to move forward, but I was hurt and pissed which is not a good combination. At any rate, one particular profile caught my eye. He was handsome, interested in an LTR and had a nice sense of style which is always a bonus. So we started corresponding and eventually exchanged numbers. Here we go again.

He talked A LOT. I mean, A LOT. For those of you who know me know that I am a talker. But had the kind of mouth that you could get in the shower, wash your hair, make a sandwich and come back and he would still be in the midst of a story. He wasn't really interested in asking questions about me because I guess he felt he was more interesting, but I managed to get in a few words edgewise. So he asks me out, on his birthday no less (alleged birthday). I agree and we choose a time and location (close to my house=easy escape route).

It's a Tuesday night, but I always dress to impress so I had on one of my favorite dresses, cute but nothing revealing. I'm waiting at said location for him to come. As I am waiting, I see this dude walk by and I laughed to myself. 'Damn he's ashy' I thought. 'And he has a peanut head'. Tee hee, I'm pretty funny. So after waiting even more I call him. 'Where are you' I asked. 'I'm inside where are you'? Oh shit, peanut head. I began looking around as if I'm trying to find him, even though I could see him coming out of the door of the restaurant. OMG.

He was SO not what he looked like on his profile. And looks aren't everything but damn. During the date he kept alternating his glances from one boob to the other, kinda like a tennis match. We ordered a drink, some fru fru girly drink. He could barely drink it. How embarassing. So time moves on, blah blah blah. So finally the check comes. He gets up to avoid the check! 'I have to go the bathroom' he says. Wouldn't you do that after we get up to leave? What a fucking deadbeat. But in the end, the $16 bucks for the bill was more than payment enough to end this evening. He of course isn't surprised that the bill is settled. Seriously? Ok so he walks me to my car, and it just so happens he ended up parking in front of me. How lucky could I get. So at the end he gets really close and says, 'I want you to thank your mom. And your dad for me. Because you the most beautiful, supple, suckable lips. I couldn't help staring because ahh, they are just so beautiful! And I was trying to check them out through my glasses I figured you wouldn't be able to tell I was looking but I couldn't help it! Man they are just, ahh!'. No joke. Lips or boobs? I'm sure he was thinking both. Did he think that was going to be my cue to give him a kiss? You've got to be kidding me. I told him thanks and that I would let my mom know. 'Nah I was just playing, don't tell her'. Uh huh. We hugged and I said goodnight (aka have a nice life and don't call me again) and we parted ways. When I got home I called my mom. I'm not sure if she's stopped laughing yet, we enjoyed that one together.

Troll #3 Lets be Friends

Ok let me start off by saying that this guy isn't a troll. Truth is he is a career driven, smart, funny, caring man who I cared about very much. Someone who I was on my way to loving, and may have loved and didn't know it. It just so happens that he broke my heart, so he deserves a special piece, dedicated just to him.

______________

As you know by now I'm currently on the online dating circuit. I have been using this way to meet boys for a while now, off and on. I go on, I meet a bunch of shitty turds, I get bored, I delete my account, I get bored again (aka horny/lonely), I join again and the cycle repeats itself. Its a vicious cycle but there it is. And besides, if it wasn't for this experience I wouldn't have these horror stories to relay and you, dear reader, might be deprived of a good laugh. So it was through this method that I met, MMC. I'm protecting his name because in the event that this blog becomes a book some day I don't want him to get one red fucking cent. So at any rate we did the usual intro, he 'looked' at me and in response I 'looked' at him. So he reached out and emailed me. Immediately I noticed something different about him- he had conversation skills! Now I recognize that some people do not consider email a conversation but this is how some people communicate exclusively in the 21st century so get used to it. We traded about 10 or so emails back and forth before he asked me for my number, and from there we talked every day.

There was something so refreshing about him, and yet I was very guarded. I've yet to name all the trolls/men who have shit on me in this blog, but there have been many. In fact I can say in my entire dating career (half my life) I have yet to find someone who treats me like I should be treated. Until MMC. We had such easy conversations, nothing forced (what do you do, what do you do, blah blah barf) and it felt good. It felt good to have an adult conversation about everything from Obama to my cat, ice cream to the miracles of child birth. After a couple of weeks of conversing we decided to meet and, as I anticipated, it was... right. I was far from picking out china but I definitely thought we had a good connection. And he did too. In fact it was he who would say, girlfriend this, my girlfriend that, lets go away together yadda yadda. He even told his family about me. So after about a month and 1/2 I finally decided to go with it and change my facebook status to 'in a relationship'. Such a big step in my life! I got a lot of inquires and congratulations, and I felt good about where we were, the beginning of what could be a meaningful relationship.

So I decided that I was ready to give up the goods. My views of sex are both progressive and a little traditional: I have no problems with a one night stand (and have had a few myself) and I recognize that women are sexual beings and have needs just like men and can feel free to express themselves. But I also believe when you are with someone you care about, truly care about, you surrender something of yourself that perhaps you wouldn't have with regular joe. A piece of your heart, a new and different angle of your body, something changes. And it changed for me that night. The sex wasn't great, but first time with a new partner never is (except for Mr. P). But clearly something changed for him.... he disappeared. No call the next day, and in fact no call for a week and 1/2. Huh? Would someone truly work 2 months with line after line of bullshit to get some punani? Its easier to get a prostitute. Hell these days you can connect with someone in a bar pretty easily and it might only cost you a whiskey sour. What happened? I couldn't understand but I was devastated. Here I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and just when I thought it wouldn't it did. He never returned calls, texts, emails. So finally after spending a day in bed crying and wondering what was so wrong with me that he would do that, I gave up. I wrote him an email saying best of luck, thanks for fucking me and dumping me without a word, have a nice life. Wouldn't you know it, he called two days later. With no explanation of his behavior or his absence, but he could only say he thought things were moving too fast (of course he started off this convo by saying he couldn't wait until we went to the beach) and he wanted to continue our 'friendship'. So, we're friends now? I said, no offense, but I don't fuck my friends. And when I asked him was he scared things were moving too fast before or after we had sex. Before. And yet, I inquired, you still fucked me. Good stuff. So I told him the next time he wants to go dutch treat on a cup of coffee and he's in my neighborhood give me a call (insert MAJOR sarcasm here). And that was it. Or so I thought.

What prompted this entry at this time was the fact that just last week he popped back into my life via instant messenger. He's done it twice since we broke up, just silly chit chat. But this time he tells me (remember kids, we're doing this via instant messenger) that his life is empty without me and that he still loves me and not as a friend. VIA INSTANT MESSENGER. What in hells bells. I didn't know what to say. I said, 'this is the first time I'm hearing this' to which he replies 'and it won't be the last'. And then says I have to go run some errands and poof! Once again, he's gone. This is where he earns troll points. Why do you insist upon playing with my emotions? I am a good person, I can be a jerk sometimes but only to people who deserve it (sprint, comcast, you get the idea). I have a good heart and yet he wants to jerk me around. I knew that 'continue our friendship' bullshit was just that, bullshit. But what it really was I don't know. And if it was that he knew he loved me and he didn't know how to deal, fucking deal with it! At 37 you should be capable of acknowledging your feelings and working through them. I finally emailed him and asked him what his deal was. I am confused and I miss him but right now all he is saying is words and it doesn't mean a thing until you back it up with actions and start by picking up phone. Nothing.

I'm done.

Such a Pretty Face

There are lots of words for women like me: full-figured, big & beautiful, zaftig, big boned, etc. I prefer fabulous, but for some reason that isn't an option when editing your online profile. But yes, in addition to being fabulous I am a plus sized girl (there's another one!). Its an interesting experience, dating as a plus size girl. I mean, lets face it, lap band commercials tell us we shouldn't even be leaving the house! This just in: we're not sitting around stuffing our faces full of bon bons in our house coats. We're just like everyone else, with a little more to love. But I digress. When men (and even women) give me a compliment, I always here the same thing when I get a compliment: 'you have such a pretty face'. I guess I can assume that the rest of me is hideous. I guess this means I should be shopping for a new bell tower to reside.

What I find so interesting about this comment- not that I don't appreciate it- is that there is so much more to me and MANY women than a pretty face. Women are incredible: we are homemakers, CEO's, parents, sisters, daughters. We are sensual, beautiful, sexy, smart- need I go on? But when people look at those of us who are not 'perfect' we seem to be overlooked.

A recent article in Essence by bishop T.D. Jakes pointed out this very same thing. He says, 'We are bombarded with contradictory messages about what we should look like. Who among us doesn't recall it being said that someone was too skinny, too fat, too black, too light, too thick-lipped, too thin-nosed, too kinky headed, too something or other?'. Men & women miss out on a lot when we look only at the superficial rather than the person as a whole. If I lost 20lbs, died my hair blonde, wore contacts, short skirts etc I would still be the same person I am now. Only it wouldn't be me. It would be the me you tell me I should be. The me who society says I should be. Bishop Jakes ends his article with a a beautiful line. 'Step onto the grand stage of your own life. See how beautiful you are'. Amen. Don't be defined by what someone else considers beautiful. I have learned that those who cannot appreciate what I look like cannot appreciate me.

All the Single Ladies

I went to a friend of mine's wedding yesterday. She spared no expense, it was a very lovely affair. I haven't been to a lot of weddings; truth is, I don't know a lot of married people. This year I went to a gay wedding which was so precious and all told I've attended 5 weddings in my lifetime. When I arrived at the reception hall I found my name on a little card on a table and saw the number assigned to me- 8. Pretty good number, always been my favorite. But then a college girlfriend of mine was table 1. Huh. Weird that we weren't sitting together since we've known each other for years. At any rate after a cocktail reception in which I sucked down 3 glasses of pino noir we were finally seated. I looked around at my table and only noticed 3 familiar faces. Well by now you might have guessed, I was seating at the leper table, better known as the singles table. Fuck.

Is there a table more degrading other than the kids table than this? For Christ sake, why not make us sit and eat in the kitchen? Hell, our chances of meeting a potential mate might be greater. Thanks friend for the seat assignment. And of course all around the table was all vagina. Accomplished, smart vagina, but vagina nonetheless. Not one single guy in the room. Unless you count the children and I don't find adolescence attractive. Is this the protocol for weddings? At the gay wedding I was the only straight person in the room so it didn't seem to bother me. Although my lesbian neighbors kept asking me if I was sure I was straight. Ahem, yes. Just because I support gay marriage, gay men love me, I like Rehoboth beach and I am unexplicibly single does not make me gay. But I digress. Why are singles singled out like that? I mean, I had some very good conversation with some of these ladies so I wasn't miserable but why not categorize people in a less demeaning way? Is it because once someone gets married they can no longer relate to single people? Or is it that they think us single girls on the prowl are going to make a play for the guy with the wedding band the minute wifey steps away to refill her glass? Give me a break. In the other wedding I went to it was all of us good friends, some married, some not, some gay, some not, some old, some not. Doesn't this make more sense than putting us all together like if you touch us we'll instantly become pregnant and beg the first guy we see to marry us? Cripes.

The last humiliating single girl activity I did for the evening was be singled out once again for the ceremonial catch the bouquet. We all paraded out before the crowd of pitied eyes for the chance of perhaps catching our prince charming. I had a America's Funniest Videos flashback to the countless bridesmaids and guests who went flying face forward for the chance of catching the bouquet and I was determined to NOT be that bitch. Off it went- off and to the left, off, and to the left. And landed in the hands of a 7 foot glamazon who had it before it was even tossed. None of us wore our Jordans to the wedding so we couldn't match her height. Congratulations, we won't be inviting you back to our table next time around. So there!

Online ADD

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, and we were laughing at the statistical probability of me meeting so many winning candidates in one lifetime. She asked me how can it be? And I told her I've cast a wide net and I'm out there actively trying. And with the good comes the bad, indifferent and conversationally challenged.

Someone else recently asked me a similar question, the infamous 'why are you single'? Which, I suppose if someone thinks I'm a great catch and I should be attached to someone by now I can appreciate it, but the obvious answer is I haven't found someone I'm compatible with. But there is another minor barrier. Its a phenomenon known as online ADD.

A guy reaches out and says hello, you exchange a few emails back and forth and then poof! He's gone. He's found something better, before he even knows whether you are a good match or not. Who does that? Have you ever found yourself in public, having a conversation with someone and in the middle they walk off? Not likely. So why does it happen online? I suppose its because there's no accountability, it's not 'real' per say, so no one feels obligated to say goodbye. And yet, that person keeps coming back to look at you, but doesn't even remember that just a week ago he dropped off the earth mid-sentence. There's the frequent online ADD'er, who pops in and pops out as if he never 'met' you the first time. I have one, and in fact I just got another email from him this morning with the same line he started out with two times before. He doesn't even remember we just had this conversation two weeks ago.

That's one of the challenges of online dating, not everyone is really serious, its like a slot machine and the game for some is to keep spinning/flipping for the jackpot. Chances are though, if you flip too fast you might have missed it.

Next stop? Desparation

Working from home I find myself watching a lot of crap on t.v. Today I found myself watching Dr. Phil. And today Dr. Phil is tackling the me's of the world- 35 and over looking for love, marriage and happiness. I feel sort of special that I am topic-worthy. The first guest is 48 and marrying a man who is abusive, has attachment disorder and drinks a lot. WTF? Dr. Phil asked her how she got to this point. And she said 'I spent most of my life focusing on my career and I turned around one day and I was over 35'. Damn if that didn't hit me with a ton of bricks.

You see, I just turned 35. And I, like this woman on Dr. Phil's couch, focused much of my life on my career. I never thought growing up about marriage. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of the white gown, the flower girls and all of that. And kids? Please. In high school I was opposed and I kept up that opposition up until recently. But then somewhere along the way, everything changed. I turned around and all my single girlfriends were no longer single. And there I was, single, alone and stagnant while the world kept moving ahead. Shit.

Am I going to pay in love because I focused on my career? Am I going to have to settle because at my age according to Dr. Phil 'I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting married after 35'? As it is my bullshit meter has runneth over multiple times with my trying to be more open and less irritated with men who under normal circumstances I might not have put up with. But lets face it, the clock is ticking. And now that I have come to the conclusion that I want to have a family and settle down, am I doomed to just... settle? This woman is so angry, defensive and frankly, clueless. Sisters are doing it for themselves these days, but apparently there is a trade off. When I look at my future and examine my past, it doesn't look promising...

Troll #2 Here kitty kitty

One of the things I enjoy about the people I have in my life is that they are incredible people. Single mothers, multi taskers, world changers. All of them are full of depth, incredibly smart and very talented. And then there is him. This post is not for the faint of heart or prudes. So if you want to click to another site its best to do that now......

Ok. For those of you who are fans of Sex and the City might remember an episode where Charlotte was going out with a man they termed Mr Pussy. He had one interest and one interest only- going down on women. Samantha said 'you can't tame mr pussy, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of New York'. Well I've got my own Mr. Pussy. We met about 3 years ago and on the surface he seemed like a decent guy. Handsome, good father, decent job. Over time however I did find him to be quite one dimensional in that our conversations were the same every time we talked. He seemed to have no spine and no real interests. Except one. And that interest my friends was my gentle flower. The first night we were together I had 4 orgasms. Yes, 4. First time in my life that anyone has brought me to such fits of pleasure in all my years. So of course, I was hooked. And he couldn't get enough. But I tried to make more of him than their actually was. So I stuck around. But soon I began to realize there was nothing there. Nothing. This was a man who when I would say 'hey' to him his reply would ALWAYS be 'horse'. At first I didn't get it, then when I did I thought it was a joke only a child would say. Especially repeatedly. Ugh. At one point when I tried to nail him down for dinner plans and he couldn't commit I gave up. The sex was incredible but for peets sake I thought I was losing brain cells dealing with him. But it didn't stop there.

In my quest to uh, 'replicate' that orgasmic feeling I experimented with a little technology, gave a couple of guys the chance to prove their worthiness but all attempts fell short. So like a werewolf responding to a full moon, I began waking up in the middle of the night trying to rack my brain for his number. I had to have it. Don't judge me! If you had it (and hell you might have) you would understand. So eventually our paths crossed again. That night he got an A++. It was a holiday romp, and apparently he was feeling especially generous. The giving season and all.

He's one troll I just can't shake. He has been trying to get at me again, and who am I to deny his desires? I have a need, he has a want, everybody wins. My girlfriend asked me if I was willing to give him another boyfriend shot. 'I actually don't mind a man who is dumber than me. In fact, I prefer it'. She had a bit of a point, but a man like Mr. Pussy cannot be tamed. He has one thing he is good at and ask him to stray and he will likely spontaneously explode.