Aftermath

I will NOT use this blog as my own personal therapy session, scouts honor. But this blog is about dating, and the events over the past few weeks have involved me being involved with someone who I can't classify as a troll, but can definitely say was a source of pain for me. Much more pain than happiness- and recognizing that means I'm well on the road to feeling myself!

But it wasn't easy.

First Friday after my realization, I got drunk. It was not intentional, and in fact I blame my fav bar for coming up with new concoctions that were hard to resist. Earlier that day on my way to work I deleted his phone number and the 200+ text exchanges we've had over the past few months. So fast forward when I was feeling tipsy, vulnerable and pissed off all at the same time (yes, there was crying over my drink- I know there's a country song about that somewhere!), and I broke down on the phone to my BFF in the middle of the street. Very dramatic I know, and mildly embarrassing to admit in public but there it is. I was sad. Sad because of everything that happened and didn't happen, and sad because now its actually over. I am VERY good at remembering phone numbers but I don't remember his. At all. So even if I wanted to call him (which I did, I have to admit) I couldn't. And it hit me, there in the middle of the street at 10 o'clock at night.

It was not a high point to say the least.

Week two, no call, no text, no carrier pigeon. Nothing. And you know what? I'm ok with that. As I'm having drinks and dinner with my gay husband and as we were talking through this, I became angrier at the whole situation. He treated me with such disregard, always relying on the fact that I have been and always would be there. So if he decided he wanted to fuck someone else, try to talk to someone else, wear out his hand, whatever- whenever he decided to get it together I would be there to welcome him into my heart, life and bed. And honestly, up until the past month I would have. I wanted us to be together, and had no ability to see it any other way. When I was dating MMC he was the furthest from my mind but the week we broke up I reached out to him. For what I don't know because A)I didn't want him to know I was dating someone else and B)it wouldn't have mattered anyway because he's never truly cared for me. But coming to the realization that this will never be what I want and need had to come at some point. Coming to realize that he never wanted me was always been in the back of my mind. And somehow that's been somehow the easiest to accept after reviewing the past few years of my bullshit catalog. I remember EVERYTHING. 'I hear the words, you made up. You say my name like there could be an us'. Adele, so wise at her age and so on point. My inability to see it any other way was because I had a distorted view of who he was, and what we were. And despite the fact that my delusions were based on all the bullshit he fed me, all of that I take responsibility for.

So here I am, feeling better and feeling ready. My house is just about in order, and that feels pretty fucking awesome.