Troll #12- Linguine

I had a pretty good dinner tonight. Italian- yummy! And it reminded me of one of the worst dates I've ever had. The food was good, the date, well, you be the judge.

Now I must say, this story is much better told with sound effects. It loses a little without it frankly. But you can add your own! It's like fashion plates! If you were born after 1980 you may not get that reference. Anyway, without further adieu...

I met said troll on craigslist about 4 years ago. I hadn't been dating long here, so I really didn't know what to expect from craigslist. When linguine and I first started talking, I thought he was a country bumpkin simpleton. If you've ever watched Gomer Pile, picture that laugh with the occasional snort added in. Our first date was ok, I just wasn't overly impressed. But I thought, don't be an asshole! He's nice, a little simple, but you're just being a bitch. If he asks again go out with him. Lo and behold, he asked me out and I accepted.

We met in Dupont and we automatically started off on the wrong foot. We picked a place and he went tearing away for the destination at a rapid pace, leaving me behind. I kept calling after him to stop walking ahead of me, but to no avail. Strike one. We get into the restaurant, a nice quaint Italian joint. He kept looking out the window and at his watch. Strike two. So the waiter comes up and reads us the specials for the evening. Some sort of lasagna, a fish dish, and a penne pasta dish. My date asks, 'penne, is that linguine?'. Not making this up folks. After the waiter recovered from his puzzled look he informed him that penne was in fact, penne. Hmmm. Strike 3.

But wait, there's more!

We're eating (he ordered the penne) and talking, and already I'm devising my exit strategy. Suddenly, he begins to choke on his food. Oh fuck. I'm trying to lighten the mood by making clever jokes but it doesn't work. Finally he decides to remove himself to the bathroom to pull it the fuck together, at which point I use the time to text to my friend- get me the fuck out of here!

As the meal winds down, the waiter arrives with the check. He stares at it. I'm telling a story, but with my eagle eye I am watching him just sit there and stare at the check. One minute goes by. Then another. And then another. My story was long over. So since prince penne wasn't making a move to pay, I picked up the check and said, 'this one's on me.' His response? 'Are you sure?' WTF! I said, 'well one of us has to pay, I don't do dishes (thank goodness I brought my detachable penis).' So I paid and promptly put on my jacket. Please let this date end!

But wait, there's more!

As we walked out I was trying to ditch him by going in a direction I thought he wouldn't go. No dice. He wanted to stop in the store next door for some reason. That reason being he was trying to buy me some cheap ass trinket to make up for that disastrous date. I wasn't having it. So we left and still he wants to walk in my direction. Until finally we were at a crossroads and he had to go one way, and I the other. Do you know this bastard tried to go in for a kiss? DENIED. I hit him with the cheek and proceeded to run (as much as one can in heels) for my life to metro.

He called me that night as I was talking on the phone to my mom about that disaster to make sure I got home. I did, thanks, and goodbye. The end. But wait, there's more!!

A couple of years later, I was trolling craigslist in boredom and I came across a post in all CAPS and it had an intriguing headline. Click. In a nutshell it was warning women to beware of this boy who is on the DL, who is having unprotected sex with men and women, her male cousin had fallen for his antics, blah blah blah. The post was very clear- stay away. Scroll..... Guess who?? Linguine!! Yes, linguine dipped his stick in any hole it fit in. Now at first I didn't believe this story because I couldn't believe anyone could get past the first or second date with this dimwit. But whether its true or not, the warning still applies- stay away.

Moral of the story? When it doubt, try the lasagna.