Troll #10 Cookies

For some reason this blast from many years came to me one day recently. One could say, he was the first troll! Historical evidence that my dating life has sucked for over a decade.

Many years ago before I went to college I worked at Wells Fargo, telling people that their credit stunk and being screamed at by every Tom, Dick, and Mary. Blah blah blah, your credit stinks, the reports don't lie, get over it. Anyhoo there were other agencies, banks, offices etc. that I interacted with on a daily. And me being me (i.e. charming as always) had a friendly relationship with one dude in particular. We interacted over the phone just about every day for business purposes, but at some point we had a witty banter/flirty relationship thing going on. It was fun, I didn't think much of it. Then one day he asked me out. Now before I go on I must say I have only been on a blind date twice in my life. This was one of them.

I remember it clearly: it was a cold night, December I believe, and I was dressed in a plaid skirt, a cream sweater, cream knee high socks and brown flat (think Rachel from Glee only in my defense, this was the early 90's). Cute, innocent, totally me. He pulls up in a mustang (those were big in the day) and if memory serves I think he was kinda cute. But unfortunately he was a total asshole.

I get into his car and he says 'hey, I brought you a cookie'. You know those cookies you get from 7-11 at the counter, that are wrapped in saran wrap? Yeah, that's the one. How sweet (barf). So we drive off and he gets a page on his beeper (90's, remember?) and we pull up to a pay phone, not 3 blocks from my house. He's on the phone for a minute and comes back to the car. 'I have to help my friend move a mattress'. Now, before I go on I should clarify its 8p at night. 'Excuse me?' I say. 'Yeah, my friend has to move a mattress out of his house. Let's stop by there and then we can go out'. Uh, no. Sometimes dates end up on or near a mattress, but this wasn't what I had in mind. 'How about not and you drop me home. Let's do it another time', I say. 'Are you sure? It won't take long'. I thought, are you fucking nuts? Either you're are oblivious or you and your friends are going to rape me, kill me, and stuff me in said mattress. No thanks. 10 minutes later I was back at my house.

I was sad, I won't lie. Back then I had low self esteem and thought that his mattress excuse was because he didn't like me. So I called my girlfriend and she came over. After a pep talk we decided to exact revenge the best way how. That 7-11 cookie? We ran over it 5 times with my car. Smashed it to smithereens! I felt so much better. And every time I date a troll I think, I wish I could run over your cookies.

And then I smile:-)