Troll #7 Big Spender

For a brief period of my life I was a part of Match.com. A few friends had some success so I thought I would give it a try. Needless to say it didn't last long. But during my brief encounter I met some troll in VA. Like most trolls, his preferred method of communication was text. I should have known then. Unfortunately my phone was stolen overseas so there's no way to give you a play by play (its so much better this way). To sum it up he asked me if I would be interested in meeting him at panera for coffee and then, if I felt comfortable, go to his place for a glass of wine. Now what girl in her right mind would go to a man's house that she doesn't know for a first date glass of wine? Why not just buy the rohipnol yourself and save the gas? So anyhoo I said sure, meeting for coffee is fine. Notice how I didn't say yes to the wine. This is what we in the writing world call foreshadowing.

So I get to Panera (I had to haul my cookies to Alexandria, strike 2) and I am looking for him everywhere. Now mind you, he's sitting in the corner come to find out, but never at any point-despite having seen me- did he get up to greet me. Perfect. So I sit down, and we begin a dull conversation in which I was being entertained by my own wit. Not at any point did he offer to buy me a cup of coffee, let alone get me a cup of tap water. Getting better by the minute! So after an hour of me trying to pry anything meaningful out of him, I get to a point where I'm thinking, time to put me out of my misery. Thankfully he says, 'I'm going to get going I have some studying to do. I want to invite you to my house for a glass of wine (FYI its 3pm) if you're comfortable'. So I say thanks, but I don't feel comfortable, maybe another time. So we walk out together, we hug briefly and I fondle for my keys and head to the one place that makes me feel like I've accomplished something- Old Navy. Wouldn't you know it, they were having an outerwear sale! Hot pink wool coat for $40 bucks? No brainer.

As I was driving back into the district, pondering my retail conquest I hear my text message jingle go off. I look- 'you should have said you weren't interested if you didn't want to come over'. Cartoon shake of head. What? I reply with a ? and so begins a texting war between me and nut job over why I didn't make it clear that I was not interested in going over his house for a glass of wine. Lets see, was it the winning conversation that won me over? Nooo. How about the 3 bucks he spent on coffee? Oh right, he didn't. Maybe he swept his floor, and he was pissed that he went through all that effort. I felt the need to tell him I think he should seek professional help for his delusional paranoia, which of course didn't help. Telling him to go fuck himself and threatening to call the po po however seemed to do the trick.

There is a moral to this story. Before you give out your number to a troll, make sure you check with your cell phone provider that they can block the number in case they turn out to be serial killers in training.