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As you know by now I'm currently on the online dating circuit. I have been using this way to meet boys for a while now, off and on. I go on, I meet a bunch of shitty turds, I get bored, I delete my account, I get bored again (aka horny/lonely), I join again and the cycle repeats itself. Its a vicious cycle but there it is. And besides, if it wasn't for this experience I wouldn't have these horror stories to relay and you, dear reader, might be deprived of a good laugh. So it was through this method that I met, MMC. I'm protecting his name because in the event that this blog becomes a book some day I don't want him to get one red fucking cent. So at any rate we did the usual intro, he 'looked' at me and in response I 'looked' at him. So he reached out and emailed me. Immediately I noticed something different about him- he had conversation skills! Now I recognize that some people do not consider email a conversation but this is how some people communicate exclusively in the 21st century so get used to it. We traded about 10 or so emails back and forth before he asked me for my number, and from there we talked every day.
There was something so refreshing about him, and yet I was very guarded. I've yet to name all the trolls/men who have shit on me in this blog, but there have been many. In fact I can say in my entire dating career (half my life) I have yet to find someone who treats me like I should be treated. Until MMC. We had such easy conversations, nothing forced (what do you do, what do you do, blah blah barf) and it felt good. It felt good to have an adult conversation about everything from Obama to my cat, ice cream to the miracles of child birth. After a couple of weeks of conversing we decided to meet and, as I anticipated, it was... right. I was far from picking out china but I definitely thought we had a good connection. And he did too. In fact it was he who would say, girlfriend this, my girlfriend that, lets go away together yadda yadda. He even told his family about me. So after about a month and 1/2 I finally decided to go with it and change my facebook status to 'in a relationship'. Such a big step in my life! I got a lot of inquires and congratulations, and I felt good about where we were, the beginning of what could be a meaningful relationship.
So I decided that I was ready to give up the goods. My views of sex are both progressive and a little traditional: I have no problems with a one night stand (and have had a few myself) and I recognize that women are sexual beings and have needs just like men and can feel free to express themselves. But I also believe when you are with someone you care about, truly care about, you surrender something of yourself that perhaps you wouldn't have with regular joe. A piece of your heart, a new and different angle of your body, something changes. And it changed for me that night. The sex wasn't great, but first time with a new partner never is (except for Mr. P). But clearly something changed for him.... he disappeared. No call the next day, and in fact no call for a week and 1/2. Huh? Would someone truly work 2 months with line after line of bullshit to get some punani? Its easier to get a prostitute. Hell these days you can connect with someone in a bar pretty easily and it might only cost you a whiskey sour. What happened? I couldn't understand but I was devastated. Here I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and just when I thought it wouldn't it did. He never returned calls, texts, emails. So finally after spending a day in bed crying and wondering what was so wrong with me that he would do that, I gave up. I wrote him an email saying best of luck, thanks for fucking me and dumping me without a word, have a nice life. Wouldn't you know it, he called two days later. With no explanation of his behavior or his absence, but he could only say he thought things were moving too fast (of course he started off this convo by saying he couldn't wait until we went to the beach) and he wanted to continue our 'friendship'. So, we're friends now? I said, no offense, but I don't fuck my friends. And when I asked him was he scared things were moving too fast before or after we had sex. Before. And yet, I inquired, you still fucked me. Good stuff. So I told him the next time he wants to go dutch treat on a cup of coffee and he's in my neighborhood give me a call (insert MAJOR sarcasm here). And that was it. Or so I thought.
What prompted this entry at this time was the fact that just last week he popped back into my life via instant messenger. He's done it twice since we broke up, just silly chit chat. But this time he tells me (remember kids, we're doing this via instant messenger) that his life is empty without me and that he still loves me and not as a friend. VIA INSTANT MESSENGER. What in hells bells. I didn't know what to say. I said, 'this is the first time I'm hearing this' to which he replies 'and it won't be the last'. And then says I have to go run some errands and poof! Once again, he's gone. This is where he earns troll points. Why do you insist upon playing with my emotions? I am a good person, I can be a jerk sometimes but only to people who deserve it (sprint, comcast, you get the idea). I have a good heart and yet he wants to jerk me around. I knew that 'continue our friendship' bullshit was just that, bullshit. But what it really was I don't know. And if it was that he knew he loved me and he didn't know how to deal, fucking deal with it! At 37 you should be capable of acknowledging your feelings and working through them. I finally emailed him and asked him what his deal was. I am confused and I miss him but right now all he is saying is words and it doesn't mean a thing until you back it up with actions and start by picking up phone. Nothing.
I'm done.
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